Ask Google

Contrary to popular opinion, "Dear Abby" is not the most popular advice columnist out there. Every day, millions of people ask Google for advice on a variety of life-and-death matters, such as "stink foot" and "jacking off".

Much like "Dear Abby", Google cannot answer all these queries personally. But those that never make it need not despair. They still have a chance of being answered...by me!

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boyfriend neglects me when high

Can't be. Everybody knows that drooling in front of the TV when high is solely reserved for single guys. All the others are too busy knocking on their girlfriend's door with 2 dozen red roses in one hand and an erection in the other. So it must be you. When was the last time you trimmed? Or took an I.Q. test?

why does he call but not leave a message?

He was just checking to see if you were available for sex.

Of course he could also have an allergy to speaking on answering machines...assuming that you do actually have one.

wants to try anal sex

who does?

she: run don't walk to the nearest store for ky-jelly and condoms.

he: what a pervert, tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.

PS. Come back and tell us ALL about it.

do i drive by his house

As often as you can. Up and down the street, several times a day. Really really slow. Guys love that. Make sure you blow lots of kisses and wave when he peeks to see if you are still there. That will make him feel even more wanted and cherished. When the cops come, tell them you are looking for Cindi's Massage Parlor.

husband ejaculates quickly

Stop showering. Wear old baggy clothes and large white cotton underware until they have a nice shade of yellow. If that doesn't help grow a mustache.

funny honeymoon nightmare

I dreamed that we had been married for 5 years, that we had 4 kids and no money even though I was working hard on my career as a part-time cashier at Tarjay's. My husband, who had been layed off 2 years into the marriage, was either busy playing video games or over at his best friend's house to fix the plumbing for the wife, because the friend was in Irak.

I had just stumbled on a valentine's card underneath the car mat, which was addressed to the 16-year old girl next door, when I realized that my period was 15 days late. Then I woke up.