He Doesn't Want Kids
We have been together for 9 years, have been married for 2 years. It was always a given that we were going to have kids, often discussed. Three years ago I got pregnant and lost the baby halfway through the pregnancy.
Ever since then our relationship changed. He thought I got pregnant on purpose and was not happy about it at all, said he was glad that it did not work out.
He said WHAT? And you went ahead and MARRIED the moron? What the hell's wrong with you?!
Our sex life also changed. He did not want to be close to me and to be honest I did not want to be with him either. We are great together, great friends but when it comes to sex we just do it to get it done, you know?
This should surprise me? How? It was over the moment you got pregnant.
Last September I asked him when he wants to try having a baby and he said January. Now suddenly halfway through the month he changed his mind. He said he is not ready, not sure if he will ever be and if I want a child I should find another guy to have it with.
The first time a man shows you his true colors BELIEVE him.
I don't know what is going on. I have not been pushing the issue, except when I asked last September. I told him that I was very hurt.
So what? It's not like he gives a fuck.
I don't know what exactly happend but after we got married I got a great job and make awsome money. He has been without a job since August and I think that has a lot to do with his reaction.
Keep swimming in denial, sweety. (No, that's not a river in Egypt.)
I don't want to lose him
Yes. An unemployed, insensitive asshole who sucks in bed. I can see why you don't want to lose him.
but having a child is very important to me and to be totaly honest, at 33 I hear the clock ticking.
Just don't work yourself up to a frenzy now. You might slip and fall on a worst dick than this one.
Is it better to just let it go and live with the thought of not having children or should we split?
I think it's better to have a spine. If you had one your question would have been a no-brainer.
posted by (Not) Dear Abby @ 2/07/2006
18 comments
18 Comments:
i've haven't had a relationship with the opposite sex, yet, but i'll speak my mind by saying that i think your husband has got some wierd thoughts in his head. i would recommend some sort of wierd (extreme) expierence for him to encounter to clear his head.
By the way, the person who answers in bold- is she ur conscience?
(I'll come back to read this blog)
*sigh* you know the worst part about a lot of these letters? I just know that while i'm laughing at the stupidity of these women I can still see me falling into similar selfmade traps...
My husband says the same things. He said we could try in January also, but then changed his mind. He now says that we may never want any also. He's not sure. Do I wait for him to make up his mind? I actually have a wonderful, loving husband, but I DEFINITELY want children. What do I do?
its very easy to judge and laugh at her for being so stupid... until your in the same position. I have been with my partner for 6 years and marriage and kids were always in the "big plan". However now he tells me he doesnt want to have children. How do you choose between someone you love and something you want, when you cant ever imagine sharing your life with anyone else?
I am in a similar boat. I didn't realize that I DID want kids - for sure, anyway - until a recent health issue put my fertility into question. Two months later, my boyfriend of almost seven years and I are splitting up. The previous poster said it perfectly, "How do you choose between someone you love and something you want, when you cant ever imagine sharing your life with anyone else?" Even with any of my "crushes" in mind, the thought makes me SICK. And yet, I begin moving out this weekend :-(
Why must I even explain this.
Look. You just DON'T marry a man, who watches you lose your kid half-way throughout the pregnancy and then says "I'm glad you lost it, you got pregnant on purpose anyway."
You just don't do things like that. Not if you have a drop of honor in your love-addled brain.
She deserved every vicious little jab I gave her.
Now, I get lots of hits by women who are searching for an answer on the subject. Why is this even a question?
If the guy doesn't want kids but you do, then you've got to leave him.
The pain of separation lasts only a little while. The pain of giving up on something so important, or even worst, the pain of making kids with a man who doesn't really want them...that sort of pain lasts forever.
are there any happy endings here?? There must be someone who has been in a situation of leaving their partner due to them not wanting kiddies? How about someone who now is happier than ever before with a great new guy and 2 gorgeous kids...or am i just a dreamer
Kate: Of course there is. Look at Brangelina!
Brad's biggest reason for leaving Jennifer was because she didn't want kids.
HERE is a happy ending...my husband wanted kids...I realised i didnt...he realised it would be wrong to ask me to ruin my beautiful healthy body to painfully crap out a kid i dont want...and realised he loves me and wants me more than some hypothetical kid who would probably make him miserable in the long run...I get sterilized, and we live,love,travel, and enjoy happily ever after
A word of advice-DO NOT...EVER...try to 'oops' a man into fatherhood...he wont love it once its there or change...and I dont blame men who run out on the selfish cows who do this....
Wow...the girl has a miscarriage and gets called a moron?! Nice. Not.
I suppose giving her the benefit of the doubt was a little too difficult?
Yeah, it sounds like he acted like an insensitive asshole but maybe she decided that after being with him for 7 years (prior to marrying) that she didn't want to just give up on the relationship at the first sign of a problem. I agree that marrying him without working through the issues first was probably not a bright idea, but was there any need to be so damn vicious??
You sound like you're trying to be Childfree Abby; you're failing dismally. CF Abby does the whole straight talking thing and doesn't pull her punches but she's never been gratuitously vile just for the sake of it.
Boasting about how this woman, who has had a 20 week miscarriage and who is in a messy relationship, deserves "every vicious little jab" makes you sound incredibly bitter and vindictive. Find some manners and grow up - if you are going to give some advice then at least be constructive rather than appearing to revel in the misery of other people.
That's hard and I wouldn't dare to judge anybody here.
Of course, the words we heard are harsh and the man was totally insensitive. However, words are not such a big problem if they would be able to agree on kids at some point in the future and really try to have them then. If both of them would want to have them in some point.
I wouldn't also say the woman is stupid. How many of people have the life they really want to have? Know exactly what decisions are the right ones?
Imagine, you meet someone, fall in love, start living together. It's all easy and beautiful. You make plans for the future, talk a lot. About having kids also. But at the time life seems easy. You feel like you can conquer the world. So naturally you want to have kids sometime in the future. You match. If a person already learned what it takes to make relationship work, she is open to compromises. But she is all optimistic because she met the man who has the same vision. What else is really important? In the long-run those things matter most. Friendship, partnership, goals and the picture - both of you in the future.
After a few years you already know how it is to live with the person. Usually, that's the point were people decide either to get married (and I'm not talking only about the 'paper' or rings but the state of mind) or split.
Now imagine, you stay together, live happily but not without everyday problems. You don't 'fly' anymore like you did before cause you are not that crazy in love anymore.
How does the 'kids issue' look then? It usually looks 'a little bit later'. You do realize this state should end sometime, otherwise life will just pass away. I told my sister (who has two wonderful kids) once :'I know that I want to have kids but now is not the right time, and when I look into the future I cannot see any right time. I want to do so much in my life and children don't go along with it. How am I ever going to decide?' She smiled and said: 'True. There is never a good time. But once you get a job you want, do things you wanna do, taste the life, it's not that exciting anymore. That's the best time. You must be ready to give something from yourself. When you are young, you don't want that. That's the time for creating things for yourself.'
There are people who never want kids. But I don't think that a man who wants to postpone or doesn't know or says 'maybe but not now right now' is this kind of person. Maybe he still has some things to settle.
That's just a guess and I know it's hard to have faith in something that may happen or not. Especially, if one person is ready.
I wouldn't sacrifice having children for a man. Probably. That's also a guess cause I'm still an 'explorer', I still have a lot things to do before I'm having kids. My man also doesn't know. He says: 'maybe in the future but I don't know right now'.
That scares me a little. How do I know know that in five years I won't be having the same problem as the woman here? Oh, I wouldn't want that so much... But, can I dump him right away? Just because he isn't sure? Especially, when all is good, besides this one.
I used to be in relationships already. I'm saying 'used to' cause I know what I want and although breaking up is fucking hard, I believe in my needs and plans. No relationship works in long run with big sacrifices.
How long can you try to make things work? Probably either until you get the lesson or they do start to work out.
You can't wait forever for things to change.
I'm in the same position and I have no idea what to do... Although that guy sounds awful I agree that you were a bit harsh -maybe she needs some harshness though. Choosing between a hypothetical baby and a real love is really really hard and I wonder if there is an answer -a 'what to do'. Maybe it's individual and specific. God. If anyone figures it out let me know.
I'm in the same place...my guy of 3 years said "maybe" then when it came up 6 months later "yes"...then 3 months later? "No"...with no discussion or warning.
I totally lost trust in what he was saying he wanted at that point, what if he said yes again but then I was pregnant and he said no?
I tried and tried for 3 months to discuss it with him and what changed his mind and he could give me any answers except "I don't know". I then moved out.
I've been in my own place for 3 weeks with us still seeing each other, the plan being he has 6 months to think about what he wants from us (marriage as well as kids and not right now just for it to be on the table!) and if he still doesn't know, its over.
Its not going well....he blames me for moving out and says I have made our situation harder and that I should have just stayed and put up with it (or in his words 'just get over it').
After 3 weeks of misery I'm really starting to wonder what I've done to us and what to do now....
I stumbled on this place today, 3 days after breaking u with my boyf. I am 29, 30 in 3 months and he has come out with the fact he thinks he never wants kids after a year of saying 'yeah'. We have been together 5 years and its breaking my heart but you gotta walk away if it means that much to you. Have a bi of self esteem and self respect - I am sure all those people who moved out aren't on here saying how happy they are is because you don't randomly trawl the internet for advice when everything is OK. Good luck ladies (and for me), I hope I have made the right decision but I suppose only time will tell.
It's really sweet of some of you to defend this woman...not.
To go ahead and marry the man who actually said he was glad she lost the baby and that he was sure she had done it on purpose...(because women can become pregnant all by themselves you know)...it doesn't get worst than that.
If there's ANY time for one woman to step up and tell another woman that she's full of shit - this is the time.
But you won't do it, simply because you're too dumb to see anything wrong with it.
Instead you'll comfort her, send her cutesy little poems, keep her in your prayers and of course sink daggers to anyone who dares to think any less of her.
Typical.
Again, to the many women who visit this page, years later after it's been laid to rest, if you want a child very badly but the guy isn't thrilled to have a child with you, let him go.
Those who already left, good for you, you did the right thing.
Children's lives can be hard enough without having a parent or two resenting them for being here. And trust me, they'll know.
i am 25 and in the same situation we have been married for 4 years i have medical problems that might requir a surgery in the future and might delay pregnancy so i want kids now before my situation gets worse but he doesnt. same thing in the bigning he said the end of the year and when time came he said the middle of the year and then he said when we are ok financialy, and last he said he doest want kids because we argue a lot and he doest want us to split up with a kid in between. i tried to convince him that there is arguments and fight in every relationship but he doest believe it. i even suggested counsling but he refused . i dont know what to do i love him and i cant live without him or without kids .am scared. am an arab and divorce is not in my list ITS A BIG DEAL FOR THE FAMILY
I'm in the same boat; but my guy is wonderful and I know he loves me to death and I love him to death.My fiance recently told me (2wks ago)he's not sure if he really want's anymore children, when a month ago we were talking about when we're getting married and when we would have our kids. He already has a daughter from a previous relationship, shes gorgeous, smart, and I love her; but I want my own. His ex has been really horrible lately telling him that he is a terrible father, he doesn't have a strong bond with his daughter, saying she's going to sue for sole custody, and his daughter says 'I will not go to Daddy", and tells him he's only good for money. None of this is true and I would not pick a man who was that horrible to his child because it would be a direct reflection of how he would treat our children. I'm hoping he's having self doubt because of her; she does say these things quite often. But he would never ever tell me that he was happy that I miscarried because he does believe all babies are blessings. I would leave him if he told me something that horrid and disrespectful. Do not trick him into having a child, it only weakens your relationship and you will be lucky to even get a check in the mail, not everyone gets my guy who actually cares what happens to his child. I know its hard to throw everything you have away, its hard for me; but if in a few months and after counseling he still does not want children with me, it will be a deal breaker. And to the girl above me; and all the girls ahead of me that's why you have to really know the man you marry and constantly talk about these things.
I'm 33 in a relationship of three years, lost my
job at a pharmaceutical company and starting working with my boyfriend and his business. It's just me and him trying to grow a business together. I want marriage and kids and I look at him and know he doesn't. I feel like I threw myself into a dark hole. He's 42 and I'm turning 33. He tells me he wants marriage and kids but at the right time. I feel like a fool.
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