Cart Before The Horse

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and we were just blessed with a baby boy 6 months ago. Although I am the only one in my relationship who considers it to be a blessing.

Yes I admit that I lied to him in the beginning of my pregnancy. I told him that I was not going to keep the baby and that I would go take care of it before school started in August, but I didn't.
I didn't tell him the truth because I was pregnant the year before and had a miscarriage. When I told him I was preg. the first time he became distant. Not talking to me or anything.

There is no shame in getting knocked-up accidently and deciding to keep it, fully knowing that you´ll probably have to raise this child alone. But getting pregnant twice in twelve months means that at least one of you is either plain ol' sloppy with birth-control or completely out of touch with reality.

He never asked about it until after we returned to school and by that time I was afraid to tell him that I didn't.

You knew damn well by his reaction to the first pregnancy, that this guy didn't want a child at this point of his life and that another pregnancy would mean the end of your relationship.

Instead I went along with trying to get rid of the baby on my own (WTF?!) and decided I would tell him when it was over. Eventually I broke down and told him and we tried some abortion clinics but I was already too far along so that was no longer an option. We were having a baby and it was nothing we could have done about it.

You really believe that crappy story you're dishing to us.

Snap out of denial honey.

You wanted to keep the baby, (probably out of residual emotional baggage due to the miscarriage), and you wanted to keep the man too, so you did what many before you have done, procrastinate until it was too late for an abortion and hoped that once the baby was a certainity he'd "come around".

The nine months I was pregnant was HELL!!! He practically hated me. We got through it all and our son was born but it ruined our relationship. He feels like HE PUT ALL HIS TRUST in me and I BETRAYED HIM.

CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR FEELING THIS WAY?

Though that is not the case.

Isn't it now?

We are still together but things are not the same. I am mostly concerned about my son. Since the day he was born he has only came to visit twice. (We live in diff. states.) When we talk on the phone if he doesn't hear the baby, he won't ask about him. I mean he asks about him most of the time but he never calls and says how is my son everyday the way a father should.

That man never wanted to be a father. You forced him to become one and now you complain that he's not up to the task?

He takes great care of our son financially but that is not what makes a father.

Be thankful. Another lesser man would have left you to fend for yourself.

I am afraid that we will drift apart. And my son will be left to be an outside child. I know things happen for a reason, I believe in that but this is not a life I want for my child. I want him to grow in a loving household with both of his parents.

Newsflash: You already have drifted apart. Your son IS an "outside child". He might grow up with two parents, but it will be with another man.

He deserves that. I didn't have that and I know how it feels.

If this was really important to you, you would have given him up for adoption, instead of trying to make the wrong shoe fit.

My boyfriend has his own apartment that his parents pay for. His dad is a Doctor. So his only job is to go to medical school.

FYI, going to medical school is like having two jobs.

When I told him that I was planning on going to nursing school where he lives and get family housing he told me that I shouldn't expect us to be hanging out because if he does he will fail in school.

Which is understandable but he didn't even sound excited or say hey that's a good idea my son will be closer and I will be able to see him more. He says that he doesn't want to get married right now because he cannot provide for a family yet.

The guy is practically screaming that it's over.

But I feel like why can't we be there for each other struggle together work together as a team until we get to where we need to be.

You really don't get it, do you. A baby does not a relationship make. Especially a relationship that was never serious in the first place. (Hello? You didn't even live in the same state!)

How do I make it through this? How do I even begin to pick up the pieces and what about our son?

First, accept the facts.

1. You are a single mother now.

2. Your boyfriend doesn't want you or the baby.

Only then you'll stop trying to get him to "do the right thing" and be able to move on.

I cannot force him to be a father. I cannot make him want to be with his son.

But you would if you could.

I just don't want my son to end up being the one to suffer and hurt in the end.

He'll be just fine, unless you keep up the pity party for the next 18 years, and/or go out and desperately start hunting for replacement daddies.