Will He Ever Leave Her?

20 years ago I dated a man that was 14 years older than I. We loved each other very much and he did ask me to marry him. I said "no" at that time because of my parents. I was only 21 then and foolish enough to listen to my parents and not smart enough to listen to my heart.

Your parents did you a huge favor... what a shame you never matured enough to realized it.

He and I went on with our lives, married other individuals (yes, for all the wrong reasons).

Hindsight is always 20/20.

I've been married for 13 years and have an 11 year old child. He's been married for 18 years and has no children. About 1 year ago we ran into each other and everything came flooding back.

I was in a very unhappy marriage, hadn't had love/affection/sex in our marriage for over 5 years and we were staying together for the sake of our child.

That means, for at least 7 years, you did have a happy marriage and in time, like most marriages, you just got stuck in a rut and instead on working on the marriage you...endured. How noble of you (not)!

Bill was also in an unhappy marriage and had they had been living in separate bedrooms for over 6 years and had not had a sexual realationship with his wife for all of that time.

It doesn't take a genius to see where this is heading.

Unfortunately once we ran into each other again, the pull was so strong that we just fell back into each other's arms.

I doubt that there was any electrical magnetism at work, but I'm sure there was plenty of the animal kind, combined with the fact that both of you hadn't screwed properly for quite a while and a strong sence of "entitlement".

We were seeing each other on weekends and lying to our spouse which neither one of us was proud of. The guilt was overwhelming for both of us, but it didn't stop us (God forgive us).

This is not a friggin confessional. Stick to the facts.

We decided that it was time to break from our spouses.

Oh no, my dear. You decided.

I did. I am now getting a divorce and actually my spouse, soon to be ex, and I are very friendly and somewhat relieved . . . our son is actually doing okay with it. My ex-husband is actually going to be living with my parents for the time being until he finds a suitable place for himself. He is very close to my family and we all love him very much, (I just don't love him and he me in the husband/wife sort of way).

So you mistook lust for love and you ditched a marriage that could have been saved with good councelling and some real effort from both sides for...

Now for Bill:

He told his wife in the beginning of January that he did not love her and wanted a divorce. She took it very hard. She called me on my cellphone because he told her about me and she told me in no uncertain terms that he was staying with her. Then she made him get on the phone and say "yeah" - that was all she "allowed him" and then took the phone away.

Now there's a woman with some balls. But if she was really clever, she'd let you have his sorry old ass to wash and to wipe for the rest of his dotage.

She said I won't let you take him away from me, we've been married for 18 years. She was not crying (although I was), she was very much in control. I did not hear from him at all.

Not only because he's a coward. You see, he never forgot what this was all about; having a good time and lots of sex. And once you started making noises about getting serious, he either:

a) just went back to his wife, told her "Forgive me honey! The Jezebel made me do it!" and begged her to keep him away from your claws.

b) made a half-assed attempt to ask for a divorce and, once she reminded him what exactly he would be losing as a result, he paddled back as fast as his varicose-veined feet would let him.

When he spoke with me he said "I just can't hurt her, she has no one", and you're so beautiful and have so many friends and family, how can we be together when I know I'll be killing her? (What a bunch of crap!) He's also afraid he'll be left financially ruined. (Heh, that's more like it!)

I basically told him "I love you, I always have and I always will, just do whatever you have to do". (Tsk, tsk. I can just hear the tremulous voice, see the unshed tears in your eyes, feel the wind your cape makes, as you swirl around and rush to the door.)

I have not heard or seen from him since.

My questions are:

[snip about 15 questions, all variations of the same theme: Will he ever leave her?]

I'm not just going to disappear and make it easy for him . . .

Don't be a silly twit. All you'll do is get the law involved, and you really don't want that.

I'm really hurting like I've never before . . .

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Wait until you get back into the dating scene.