Ask Google 5

Excuses for moving out of an appartment without losing your deposit

5. ...and I thought I'd ask my son, the officer, why would the landlady's daughter have a 100$ bill rolled up her nose...

4. Are those illegal immigrants living on the top floor?

3. About that cut I saw you getting from the pimp downstairs...

2. Was that your husband spying on my 12 y.o. through the toilet window yesterday?...

1. The postman left this package from designershoes.com here for your son.

my crazy psycho jealous insecure girlfriend

And she's still your girlfriend because?...

i fucked your girlfriend

Send high-resolution pictures/videos here. No discretion guaranteed.

what if my boyfriend doesnt know if he wants to get married

Just do what every other dumb Bridezilla-wannabe does. Stick around and wait for him to decide for another 10 years until he dumps your ass for a 22 year old. Then start calling up psychic-lines and buying books like "How to Get Married After 35".

pregnant please dear god i'm only 17

Friends With Benefits

I am in a friends-with-benefits situation with a guy. When we first started seeing each other I was really falling for him but then after a couple months he let me know he didn't have time for a full time committed relationship.

Translation: Sorry gal, you have a nice rack & all, but so do many other girls. Nice screwing ya.

I was very disappointed. So I agreed to a FWB because I could still be with him.

That was stupid.

When we started the FWB I thought I was ok but now I still have feelings for him.

Huh? Did you really think, hey I'm in love with you, lets get it on a few times maybe it will go away?!

I got really emotional a few days ago and he told me that he is not seeing anyone else at this stage but still doesn't want a relationship. He likes his space and being alone.

Kinda makes you wonder how many other silly twits is he saying this to, doesn't it...

I just found out today that he and my neighbor went out for drinks last night. She is the one who mentioned it to me. She knows that he and I have been intimate and that I had strong feelings for him and that he wanted a FWB but I told her honestly that I didn't know if I could do it. She doesn't know that I went ahead with the FWB.

What, too chickin to admit you sold yourself short after all?

He however has not mentioned going for drinks with her.

Why should he? He doesn't owe you that. Now if he was porking her after you guys had agreed on being physically exclusive that would have been a different story.

He called me last night and asked me out for a drink but I was going to a show and couldn't. I told him I would call from the show and when I did he said he wasn't having the drink, he was in the store with his daughter. But it seemed like he wanted me off the phone.

No shit lady. If I were sitting next to some hottie in a bar, I'd want to get your delusional ass off my phone too.

I know he has the right to see whoever he wants but this is so hard because it involves my neighbor who lives by me. It is right in my face.

Yeah, it makes it harder to stay in that insipid little fantasy of yours. Not necessarily a bad thing.

And he just told me he wasn't seeing anyone, but he is. I don't know how to deal with this. If I stop sleeping with him, I'm afraid he will sleep with her.

Oh my God that would be like...the end of the whole big wide world!

I don't know what to say to him. I feel so horrible right now. Oh, and he also lives in this same development.

Some people like to keep it in the family.

Ask Google 4

what does it mean when he wants space

a) He needs a bigger bed
b) He needs a bigger appartment
c) He needs a bigger car
d) He needs a woman with bigger tits/ass than you


i married a pothead loser

Great. So when is the book coming out?


what to say when ex calls

Sandy? Sandy who? Well Sandy doesn't live here anymore. [click]


is masturbating every day good?

No! Masturbation will make you blind and crippled! It can lead to constipation, acne, hairy palms, bad posture, mental problems etc. etc! I can't emphasize enough how much damage can be done to the body through excessive masturbation!


How to put off a wedding

Fuck with the best man and the bridesmaid. Send the video to the groom.

I Rest My Case

I've always been the obedient, studious only child to protective, caring parents. A few years ago, I thought I married a sweet tempered but underachieving guy who would always treat my parents well.

That's a novelty. Most women just marry a guy and hope he is going to be a decent husband and a good father.

I worked as a lawyer while my husband attended basketweaving chiropractic school. Things started going south when I became pregnant with my first child and he er, we decided that I would become a full-time mom until our two children are old enough to go to preschool. We now have a baby and a toddler.

I feel that he pushed me to have children before we were financially stable because he wanted to have children while he was still in his early 30's.

Husband: Listen up woman. It's time for me to sow my seed. Ready or not here I cum.

Wife: As you wish my lord and master, but who's going to stay with the kids?

Husband: You of course, you're the wife aren't you? You know: wash, iron, fuck, ect.

Now, we are struggling financially and I am resentful and angry at him for not working hard enough, for spending too much time with his brothers and sister instead of with me, for not helping out with the kids, for not sleeping in our bed because our children sleep in the room with me and he does not want to be disturbed at night, for not helping out enough with chores around the house, for changing from the sweet tempered man I thought I married into a sarcastic, quick-tempered, foul mouthed man and finally, for not wanting to give up the guest bedroom bed so that my parents who live 2 hours away can sleep on it when they come to visit me every other weekend.

Holy shit, you really ARE a lawyer.

Do you think this is one of those marriages that will get better in a few years when the children are older and I begin working again?

How the fuck should I know?! Oh yeah, sure, whatever.

Is it unfair to ask him to give up the guest bedroom bed so that my parents who live 2 hours away can stay for two days every other weekend?

Who cares. But let me guess, your husband thinks it is.

He feels jealous of my relationship with my father and wants me to stop constantly telling my parents our problems.

Too fucking bad. He knew you were daddy's girl before he married you. Just as you should have known that losers are only "sweet tempered" until you are under their thumb.

The problem is I feel my parents are always there for me and he only sometimes is. Who is right and who is wrong?

You're not in court of law anymore. Right and wrong is irrelevant now. This is just life. It's all about short-sighted choices, and whether the crap you are willing to put up with is worth it.

Ask Google 3

pussy free wife

Q: I got married about a week ago. I was asked to wait until our wedding night and I was really looking forward to the action. So there I was laying in bed, in a beautiful 5 star hotel in Vegas, drinking out of a really lousy bottle of champange, when my wife finally came out of the bathroom, still fully dressed, sat on my bedside and said:

"Honey, there is something I haven't told you about me."

"What?" Silence. "Let me guess, you're not a virgin."

She shook her head.

"So what is it?"

Sobs. I hugged her. "It's ok honey, tell me, whatever it is, it's ok, I LOVE YOU."

"I..." More sobs, then really fast. "Idonthaveavagina."

"Huh? Can you say that again? It sounded like "I don't have a vagina!"

"It's true". More sniffs. "I don't."

It's been a week now we'll be flying back tomorrow and I'm still stunned. I really love her and want to make this work but how?

Signed,

Freaked


A: Dear Freaked,

while it is a tad unusual for a woman to be born without a cootch, I am surprised that you would feel all is lost. There are worst fates than a lifetime of chocolate-covered love and hummers.


pervert behavior

I was typing an e-mail on my 46-year-old boyfriend's computer, when I noticed that he was still logged on Ebay. I clicked on his bids, curious to see if he was finally going to get me the engagement ring he had been promising for the past 15 years, for my upcoming birthday.

Well, there was one 5 buck BIN for a silver bracelet made in China, and a 200$ bid for some teenager's pink "Very Well Worn/Used Sneakers Size 6 1/2"!!

It can't be for me, cause my feet are size 8 and he doesn't have a daughter. Is this pervert behavior?