How To Catch Mr. Right

But I just put on hold 12 self help relationship books at the library.

Oh, oh...

The first two books have come in. The first is called "What Men Want: Three Professional Single Men Reveal to Women What It Takes to Make a Man Yours." I've read the introduction and these things struck me:

"Knowing the reality - not the ideal - of what men want

Show up naked - bring beer?

can free women to make better decisions in their love relationships."

Sounds suspiciously like "lower your expectations" to me.

I guess I tend towards the ideal. The way things SHOULD be. I recently questioned that in myself, and whether I should give up ideal in order to get something good.

If all you´re after is a man, any man, putting their needs first and letting them get away with murder will get you a relationship, but it won´t be "good".

It will be more like: "is this as good as it gets?!"

THAT is a continuing struggle. I feel that that means giving up. Essentially it is. I don't know if I can do it.

I should hope not.

But it's very clear that I'm never going to get into a relationship the way I'm going, and that I either need to give that up, and find out what the reality of what men want or deciding to go it alone (so far I've chosen to go it alone, but damn, it can get lonely).

Focus on what you want and whether you can give it, and you´ll be just fine. You want trim, be trim, you want handsome, make sure you look good too, you want faithful, you have to know to be faithful yourself, etc.

If you truly have any unrealistic expectations, then they will automatically adjust themselves, as you can´t demand something you can´t give.

"many women also - without meaning to - ruin a good thing and end up alienating the men who do love them."

Sure, that happens, especially if said woman is a silly b1tch who doesn´t know what she wants. But it sounds like "reduce your expectations - don´t rock the boat" to me, which is the advice most books of this kind dish out.

I just know that I'm going to be at odds with most of this book. But if giving over to it really makes me able to find a good, happy relationship, is that sacrifice of myself justified?

If it´s the right relationship, you won´t even have to.

What in the end is more important?

Love yourself, strive to self-improve, see a relationship as an enrichment to an already full and happy life, rather than a necessity.

1) Has anyone ever had a positive experience with a self help book?

I can imagine one would...if it was a book on how to become a better person. But those are not very popular. People just want an easy, step-by-step recipe on how to snag the perfect mate, so that they finally can breath that big sigh of relief, kick back and let go. But it doesn´t work that way.

2) Is it more important to be right, or to get what you need?

You mean, To Be Yourself Or To Have A Boyfriend?

Those two are not mutually exclusive you know. Just stick to your guns. A relationship with the wrong guy is not better than being alone, and the many letters one reads on the subject attest to this very fact.

3) Do men ever think about what THEY can do to better their chances of getting a relationship

Oh they do, they do. But very few of them are reading and practicing sneaky ways on getting a girlfriend. (ie. Call every 4 days, stay on the phone only 15 min.) Now honest, would you really want to date such a guy?

It doesn't sit well with me if I'm the one doing all the giving up to get inline with where they are.

Then stop it. Send those books back. Forget about "snagging a man". Amazing things will happen. Promise.

I just don't hear often of men making trying to be what their women want.

Because women won´t let them. They are too busy reading Cosmo and silly "How-to-find-Mr.Right" books and molding them selves into that artificial woman they are told that men want.

Self help books seem directed at women (either to change themselves or try to change their partner).

Women spend an insane amount of time, energy and money on relationships....somewhere along they way, they pick up the belief that it´s their responsibility to make things work.

In the animal kingdom, it´s usually the male that has to impress a (usually greyish looking, fairly boring) female that he´s a great catch.

In humans, the guy doesn´t even get a chance to do so. The females are too desperate to "make it work".

4) Is this a big huge waste of time?

Yes.

5) If a person isn't going to consider you relationship material they way you are, isn't that person not worth changing for?

No person is worth that except yourself.

Or, in other words, is trying to make yourself relationship material for someone disloyal to yourself??

Yes. And depressing.

Haven´t you ever wondered why so many women are on anti-depressants?