Monster-In-Law

My life is a mess. My husband and I got married last September and we live in San Diego.

It would be interesting to know how long you knew each other before you married?

His dad unexpectedly died in October leaving his mom in Los Angeles. In November his mom begged to move in with us - even though she has a house in L.A.

Oh I see. She needed somebody new that she could drive nuts.

We reluctantly let her do so.... temporarily. In December my husband deployed with the military to Iraq for six months leaving me with his mom.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg. How could he? The very least he could have convinced her to go back home before he left. Unless he wanted to make sure you wouldn´t run around on him.

His mom is is a self imposed helpless person, who doesn't drive (even though she could; she has a valid license), she has no hobbies, she has no interests, she just watches TV. She doesn't have any limiting disease etc - she's overweight though and she's a hypochrondriac sp? She has some digestive problems, (she can´t even "stomach" herself) but nothing life threatening.

Tyrants tend to live long I noticed.

So.... she stayed with me - I've got a very demanding job and work a lot of hours. I would come home to a dark house with her sitting in the living room crying. It drove me nuts. I listened to her depressing stories etc and drove her up to L.A. every week to get her mail and mow her lawn - I had our lawn etc to do as well.

Oh Gawd!

She'd have a weekly list of things for me to do around her house - and she'd complain about how I did them. I took her grocery shopping etc. Eventually I got her to stay at her house every other week. Eventually she would be there for two weeks at a time.

Cudos to you for managing it.

Then I had a shoulder accident and severed my bicep. I had to have surgery and was in severe pain and recovering for a month. During that time I ordered her groceries on line or neighbors took her to the store. Whenever she wasn't here, I talked to her on the phone just about every night. If I didn't call, she would ask why. (Duh!) My parents came to help me with the surgery and they drove me up there to make sure she was ok.

Talking about a stone around one´s neck.

Then..... our Golden Retriever came down with cancer. He's still getting by, but it's been rough.
Finally.... my husband got back last month. His mom insisted at coming back down her for his homecoming. Personally, I would have preferred to have some "alone" time with my spouse but that didn't happen.

People like her haven´t even heard the word considerate, let along understand it.

She came down and I went back to work the following day. I gave her the first week with him to bond etc. (Huh?!) The following week, my husband and I planned a trip to Disney World to get reaquainted...

...His mom gave him a guilt trip. We flew out of L.A. to Orlando, so we saw her before we left. I went to the car, but I could hear her telling him that he promised to take care of her. He said "What did you want me to do mom, not go to Orlando with my wife?"

That might seem like a glimmer of hope, but alas you need to come to terms with the fact that your soldier-man is nothing but a mama´s boy.

She was on him for an hour before he finally came out to the car and left.

A man would have left right away.

This week she was back with us. I worked late and my husband spent time with her. We took her to two Fireworks shows. She wants to move in again and continues to give my huband a guilt trip. It's his mom and he feels a certain responsibility to help her, but letting her move in is different.

Note also, that he is an only son and there are no other relatives around.

So? Love and respect and a willingess of people to take care of you in your dotage is earned. She hasn´t earned it.

I said no and he doesn't like that I don't want her here.

Tell him to go back to his mama. Let her keep him warm at night.

Frankly, I think that she is very selfish and rude but I've never said one disrepectful thing to her.

Because you are much too kind.

My husband is up with her in L.A. today - I had to work - but he'll be home tomorrow. How do I handle this situation???

Easy. This is a simple case of Love Me, Love My Mom. They are a package deal. If you want to keep him you have to keep the mom.

I love my husband more than anything and I don't want to lose him, but I feel like she is driving a wedge between us.

You can confidently expect this wedge to grow much bigger in time.

Please help. I love my husband.

I´m so sorry, I really am.

Well, single girls, take heed. This painful experience could have been easily avoided if the man´s family would have been carefully scrutinized by the woman before marrying. There are always hints to be found about this sort of thing, if one pays attention...

Meet the family before marrying. Is it a big family? Are the parents nice? Do they like you and have their own life. If his mothers says blue and you say black, whoses opinion does he back up? Does he always defer to them? Do they support his life style?

I hope you get my drift.