Sir Confused

I am a 40-year old man, and have been dating a 34-year-old woman for almost a year. I have been divorced two years, no children, and I'm really looking to get married again and hopefully still have a family.

Stupidity uh, Hope breeds eternal.

Having said that, my marriage and divorce was awful and I don't intend to go through that again so I'm being careful.

Are you now?

My girlfriend is perfect in almost every way - we have a lot in common, we want the same things, and we are mutually attracted to each other.

Wait a minute. Let me take a deep breath first. Sentences like these are usually followed by a but(t) the size of Texas.

The problem is she is seriously depressed. She told me she has been on medication for depression for years. I have decided she is worth the effort, and I have bent over backwards to show her that she can count on me, that she can still have a happy life, and that I'm serious about this.

There we go again. Another Knight Wannabe.

I have been giving, expecting and receiving little in return, for almost a year now, and I'm running out of gas.

Saving the world is losing its luster already? Tsk, tsk, they just don't make knights like they used to...

She knows this, and feels terribly guilty about it, which only serves to make things worse. I want to help but I don't know what else I can do at this point. She breaks into tears many times a day, she sleeps constantly, there is little affection between us, and almost no sex life.

It never fails to amaze me what people consider to be an almost perfect mate.

She sees a counselor occasionally, and there are plans to change her medication when circumstances allow it, but obviously there is no guarantee that things will ever change. When she is not crying, things are great.

How comforting to know that blatant denial is an equal opportunity act.

The rest of her family have been very supportive of me and appreciate what I have done and how hard this has been for me.

The payoffs of being the martyr. So sweet, so uplifting, so rewarding... so short-lived.

My main question is, how long do I continue to do this, knowing to some extent time is running out for me at 40 (please, no "men can have kids when they are 80" reasoning).

People who procreate after a certain age are either pathetic or senile.

I've done this so far because I thought she was worth it, but I've been burned before seing people the way I want them to be, rather than the way they really are.

Damn, that was a deep. Imagine if you'd actually put some of that self-reflection to use. You'd be dangerous.

Do people at her age and extent of depression recover enough to have happy lives?

Facing up to this illness and taking personal responsibility for its treatment is vital. Nothing you have written indicates this woman is facing up to anything, except her mildewed pillow.

Is there hope for her (us)?

Oh yeah, lots and lots of hope. Please, no thank you's. Just don't name any of your kids after me.

Is there anything else I can do to help her?

Yes. When she starts running to jump off from that 15 story building, make sure you get out of her way.

Ask Google 2

boyfriend wants to sleep instead of talk on phone

I was pmsing like a 12 yo. feeling really down the other day, and after six a couple of screwdrivers, I called my guy to tell him that I miss him. He sounded kinda groggy and he was a bit nasty to me. Said to stop calling him and that he wanted to sleep. Ok, maybe I shouldn't have called at 3.30 in the morning. But if he really loved me, he would understand and be there for me! I feel sooo neglected. Now his best friend Dave has just called and asked me to come over to his place and watch a movie. Should I go?

should we break-up we live together dog

I've been living with a great gal for amost a year now. Everything is perfect. Well almost everything. There is this trouble with her dog Scooby.

At first, I thought it was cute that he wanted to sleep with us. He would curl up his 70 pound frame at the foot of the bed only causing minor discomfort. But over the next few months, Scooby started to slowely inching his way up the bed until he was sleeping between us. That turned into sleeping under the covers between us with his head on our pillows!

As if this ain't bad enough, he wants to be in the room when we have sex. I tried to lock him out a few times, but he would bark and scratch at the door. I told her he was going to do this at first and that he would get used to it. But my girlfriend felt guilty and wouldn't cum unless I let him in again. Should we break up?

virgin blue balls until marriage

I'm an 15 yo. Mormon and our bishop said we can't have sex with another person before marriage or we'll go to hell. We aren't allowed to self-abuse either . Lately I have noticed that I get these huge erections, especially when I'm around Janet from the seminary. Afterwards my balls feel heavy and achy. They sometimes get a bluish tinge. John, from the church, told me this will go away when I marry, but I can't marry for a while yet, my parents say I have to finish school first. I'm afraid it will get worst and I won't be able to hold off until then. I don't want to go to hell. What can I do?

Am I The Other Woman?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We were engaged in December. He has three children and I have two. We all live together (except he only has his kids every other weekend). My problem is this. Although we are now engaged and have plans to buy a home together, he hasn't made a move to get a divorce.

Yes, engaged sounds much nicer than "shacking up with a married man", I grant you that, but the law might not quite agree with you when the wife comes knocking for her share of the house.

When I've asked him about it, he says either he doesn't have time to call lawyers or he doesn't have the money for a retainer. Neither of which is true.

So? That didn't stop you from falling for it, hook, line and sinker for FOUR YEARS, like some stupid little 18 year old.

My other issue with him is that he bends over backwards to keep peace in his relationship with his ex. (What ex? There you go day-dreaming again...) She still wears her wedding ring, still wears his clothes, and is abusing the kids.

She's wearing... his clothes?

He seems to not be bothered by any of this and is upset with me if I ask him not to buy things for her house or maybe SAY SOMETHING to her about sleeping with her 7 year old son or calling her 10 year old daughter a little bitch.

Of course he's upset. What are you giving him lip for, you obviously think this cowardly piece of shit "man" is good enough to parent your kids.

A little background- she is a stay at home mom, has not worked for 14 years. He pays every last bill down to her cell phone and gas. He pays a boatload of cs and spousal support and pays for all the kids extra stuff. I have NO problem with what the court ordered or the extra stuff for the kids, but come on, this woman makes 45,000/year from child and spousal support. She's not hurting for anything. Does he really need to buy her ice cream for her, too?

A little backround - we live in a fault state. So when she calls and tells him to "Pick up a few tubes of Häagen Daz on the way home." and he says "I can't, I'm taking Stacy's kid to Boy Scouts", she screams "Well YOU HAD BETTER, 'cause my laywer's number is on speed-dial and when SHE'S finished with you, you gutless bastard, you won't HAVE a car to drive your whores' kid ANYWHERE."

Will he ever divorce her?

Yup. Madame Kazelka from the 'oroskopes says he will. When Bill Clinton runs for office again.

Ask Google

Contrary to popular opinion, "Dear Abby" is not the most popular advice columnist out there. Every day, millions of people ask Google for advice on a variety of life-and-death matters, such as "stink foot" and "jacking off".

Much like "Dear Abby", Google cannot answer all these queries personally. But those that never make it need not despair. They still have a chance of being answered...by me!

* * *

boyfriend neglects me when high

Can't be. Everybody knows that drooling in front of the TV when high is solely reserved for single guys. All the others are too busy knocking on their girlfriend's door with 2 dozen red roses in one hand and an erection in the other. So it must be you. When was the last time you trimmed? Or took an I.Q. test?

why does he call but not leave a message?

He was just checking to see if you were available for sex.

Of course he could also have an allergy to speaking on answering machines...assuming that you do actually have one.

wants to try anal sex

who does?

she: run don't walk to the nearest store for ky-jelly and condoms.

he: what a pervert, tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.

PS. Come back and tell us ALL about it.

do i drive by his house

As often as you can. Up and down the street, several times a day. Really really slow. Guys love that. Make sure you blow lots of kisses and wave when he peeks to see if you are still there. That will make him feel even more wanted and cherished. When the cops come, tell them you are looking for Cindi's Massage Parlor.

husband ejaculates quickly

Stop showering. Wear old baggy clothes and large white cotton underware until they have a nice shade of yellow. If that doesn't help grow a mustache.

funny honeymoon nightmare

I dreamed that we had been married for 5 years, that we had 4 kids and no money even though I was working hard on my career as a part-time cashier at Tarjay's. My husband, who had been layed off 2 years into the marriage, was either busy playing video games or over at his best friend's house to fix the plumbing for the wife, because the friend was in Irak.

I had just stumbled on a valentine's card underneath the car mat, which was addressed to the 16-year old girl next door, when I realized that my period was 15 days late. Then I woke up.

Roses Are Red

[Dear advice columnist,]

I have been dating two guys for about a month. They are not boyfriends and we are not exclusive. I was not expecting a present or anything but neither one of them even called to say Happy V(agina) day. Should I be upset and drop them both or do I not have any right to be upset and just let it go??

Love Online

I met my guy in a chat room.

How... original.

He chased me intensely in the beginning, wanted to meet and I met him. He continued to pursue me romantically, phone calls all evening, chat when we'd get home from work etc. We met a 2nd time and actually had sex. But he was still attentive during the week afterward....

And that must mean I'm special to him, you see? It can't be just booty-sex if they call the next day. Cosmo said so!

Then we had an intense argument breakup, because he drove 2 hours to meet another girl that he'd met ALSO on the internet when he had been claiming to be too busy to come and visit ME.

You didn't actually think you were the ONLY ONE, did you?! People who go fishing on the internet seldom have just one hook in the swamp.

He tells me at that time "She is just a friend and invited me to meet up with her and other people one evening. I didnt know I wasnt allowed to have any friends". Defensive. Like I was in the wrong for even questioning him.

You were wrong. Since when do some chats, a few phone-calls and a one night stand qualify as an exclusive relationship?

Well we made up after that one but nothing was the same. He stopped telling me he loved me, never offered to visit or if we talked about it, it was always put off till another time. He would talk about how broke he is and how much it costs to fill up his gas tank...

Driving around to sow your seed in desperate single mothers across the country is not exactly cheap these days.

I should say I live an hour away from him and I'm not always free to do things on the weekend as I have a child.

And of course that's a great excuse not to go out when you CAN, pine for internet casanovas rather than dating the nice guy from the basketweaving course, and putting out on the second date instead of at least asking for cash up front.

He would still call me 5 or 6 times in an evening ( we both work 2nd shift on boring jobs) but it was getting less and less. Finally one night online with him I told him I missed all the romance and was unhappy without it and was close to giving up.

Giving up what? The privilege of being some wanker's "one in every port" gal?

He got extremely angry, called me on the phone and went off on me. That he needed to be about himself at this time as he'd always been about everyone else. That he thought we could talk as friends. Well I said I already had friends that we were lovers. His answer was "we made love ONE time".

Unfortunately that doesn't deter some people from googling for wedding cakes and baby names.

That hurts! To me it was special, him saying that was like it meant nothing to him because it was only once....

Wipe yourself off, you look like a panda for chrissakes. When will women realize there is no such thing as a waterproof mascara.

He went all weekend without calling or speaking. On Monday night he called and said "I owe you an apology. It has been me. I have been acting like a jerk and you dont deserve that. I am working through mental things right now and until I get my head on straight I guess I am going to be this way. I'm not trying to get you back or anything i just felt I owed you an apology because it wasnt you or anything you did or said".

I thanked him for the apology. I didnt really say anything else, but now I wonder if he was trying to give me an opening to make up.

Trust desperation to see "an opening" in the most obvious letdown.

He didnt offer to change anything or go back to the loving relationship we had. So I didnt know. But did I give up to fast? Should I have said do you want to work on it?

Please someone, whack this poor woman out of her misery. Yes a battle mace will do just fine.

He Doesn't Want Kids

We have been together for 9 years, have been married for 2 years. It was always a given that we were going to have kids, often discussed. Three years ago I got pregnant and lost the baby halfway through the pregnancy.

Ever since then our relationship changed. He thought I got pregnant on purpose and was not happy about it at all, said he was glad that it did not work out.

He said WHAT? And you went ahead and MARRIED the moron? What the hell's wrong with you?!

Our sex life also changed. He did not want to be close to me and to be honest I did not want to be with him either. We are great together, great friends but when it comes to sex we just do it to get it done, you know?

This should surprise me? How? It was over the moment you got pregnant.

Last September I asked him when he wants to try having a baby and he said January. Now suddenly halfway through the month he changed his mind. He said he is not ready, not sure if he will ever be and if I want a child I should find another guy to have it with.

The first time a man shows you his true colors BELIEVE him.

I don't know what is going on. I have not been pushing the issue, except when I asked last September. I told him that I was very hurt.

So what? It's not like he gives a fuck.

I don't know what exactly happend but after we got married I got a great job and make awsome money. He has been without a job since August and I think that has a lot to do with his reaction.

Keep swimming in denial, sweety. (No, that's not a river in Egypt.)

I don't want to lose him

Yes. An unemployed, insensitive asshole who sucks in bed. I can see why you don't want to lose him.

but having a child is very important to me and to be totaly honest, at 33 I hear the clock ticking.

Just don't work yourself up to a frenzy now. You might slip and fall on a worst dick than this one.

Is it better to just let it go and live with the thought of not having children or should we split?

I think it's better to have a spine. If you had one your question would have been a no-brainer.

Can't Stop Bitchin

I'm sad and depressed because my boyfriend of 3 months thinks I flip out so much that he's not sure if he even wants to be with me at this time.

Sad and depressed don't change anything. What are you going to DO about it?

I am going thru stress at work and I only talk to him about it, so unfortunately I unleash my pent up frustrations on him.

Well stop it. He's a boyfriend - someone to date and have fun with, not your friggin therapist.

When I tell him whats going on at work, I get so angry that I wind up picking a fight with him or verbally lashing out at him. I know I am wrong here. I love him so much and yet I've done this twice to him.

Spare me the "I-don't-know-why-I'm-doing-this" crap. If you really love him get your ass to an anger management course.

He is a very sensitive man and he gets very upset about this. His feelings are genuinely hurt and he tells me so. I feel awful of course for hurting the feelings of someone I love. I must confess, I do get surprised by his reactions because he is so sensitive. He is the most sensitive man I've ever dated and I'm not quite used to this.

Hello? Just because your other boyfriends were brutes like you that does not make him "sensitive".

I want to put this relationship back on track. How can I do this? He came over to my house this morning and stayed for 6 hours. We just talked about it and he dropped the whole "I need space" bomb on me. I am devestated but not surprised. What can I do to save my relationship?

The usual: Take him seriously. Stop invalidating his feelings. Start therapy.

How can I survive this new "space"?

By getting a life.

I'm so sad and depressed right now that I just want to take a sleeping pill and make myself go to sleep so I won't have to deal with the hurt i'm feeling.

I hope you've bought an economy size bottle...because tomorrow you'll still feel "sad and depressed".