Easy Rider

I was involved with someone who used me for sex for almost a year. I'll call him the "snake."

I'll call you "skank ho".

When I got tired of him, I ended it and accepted his requests that we be"friends". We only talk via the internet, so it's obvious that he didn't want a friend, but wanted to keep me on the back burner so that he could use me some more.

And you still talk to him because?

Well, I asked him to set me up with one of his single friends because I really wanted a relationship.

You know it's bad when a woman is so hard-up for a man, that she has to ask her former fuckbuddy to set her up with someone...

He did, but he didn't want to. Me and his friend went out and we had a great time. The "snake" then told his friend "everything" about us.

ie. Dude, you don't want to do no real dating with that ol' skank ho when you can have it for free like I did.

A couple of days after the snake admitted to me that he told his friend we had slept together, his friend contacts me via IM and says he would like to sleep with me. But, he made it clear that he did *not* want a relationship with me because

a) I live 4 hours away
b) I'm too old (12 years his senior).

Ugh.

Well, though not what I wanted initially, I agreed to it because I want the sex just as much as he does.

Your vaginal self-respect just...blows me away.

Now, his friend and I had made plans to get together, but he hasn't returned my calls and or e-mails ( I left several) this week. I had a big argument with the snake and I think the snake told him to stay away from me to get even with me.

Why would he do that, when he went through all that trouble of setting his buddy up for free nookie? Maybe the boy didn't feel like driving all day just to have some desperate pussy even if it is free.

I told the snake that I did not want him, that I wanted his friend and to leave me alone. I don't think it's a coincidence that his friend hasn't called me. I think the snake had something to do with it.

Did the voices tell you that?

Is there any way to win this? I really like his friend and I want to sleep with him. But, how can I if he won't return my calls?

Come on, don't cry...you don't want snot dribbling down your lips now do you? I know some great guys back at the newsroom who would be very happy to return your calls. All I'm asking is for a tiny, measly 70% cut...

Affairs Are Relationships Too!

I have known my married man for almost 3 years now. Been friends since day one.

ie. We are two dawgs who had the hots for each other right away.

We've been having an emotional affair for over a year now...a physical affair for about 4 months. We talk (via IM) 4-5 days a week, usually 8-10 HOURS a day.

Getting paid to cyber with your fuckbuddy. Nice.

He knows so much more about me than my husband does.

He knows that my husband is married to a liar and a cheat and a whore! Isn't that marvelous?

Heck, he knows more about me than I do!

It's very hard to perform cunnilingus on yourself.

He discuss so much more than sex.

Oh yeah, he also talks about how his wife doesn't understand him, that mother-in-law is being a bitch again, that his daughter's new braces are bleeding him to death and how his boss was busting his balls the other day by demanding that he actually work for his money.

He says I know more about him than his wife ever has.

True. For example, you know that his wife is married to a liar, a cheat and a dog. How precious!

We have 'rules'. The main one being that we can never 'see' anyone else.

I hope your stupid rules include condoms.

He's told me if I ever met someone else and 'cheated' on him (yeah, I know!) that he'd never speak to me again.

I bet you swooned when you heard that one. Thought "Awwww, he must love me!", when he's just worried that his propensity for fucking around might give him the herpes or worst.

I think about him all the time. He says he does the same. He even told me that he thinks of me when he's having sex with his wife. (Bad, I know).

Yeah, I can tell how the remorse is just dripping from your every crevice.

We share so much. You can't talk to someone for hours on end and not have a 'relationship' right?

Wrong.

We were in this discussion on Friday and he mentioned that we dont have a relationship.

You don't.

A sneaky, filthy fuckaffair does not a relationship make. At least he knows that.

I said bull. If it was only sex, we'd not discuss anything else. He'd not ask about my kids. I'd not ask about his job. We'd not spend hours on the computer or have phone conversations every day. It'd not be mentioned that I make him happy and he loves being with me. Would it?

He could also have a dog that he loves spending time with and who makes him happy. That still doesn't mean they have a "relationship".

I just think that MM and I do have a relationship. We do have 'strings attached'. He disagrees. Can you really be involved with someone this much and not consider it a relationship?

Because the only relationship a selfish immoral low-life cheater can have is with themselves.

Horny Pincher

My husband & I have been married almost 5 yrs. He is a very touchy feely guy and in the beginning of our relationship he could never seem to keep his hands off of other females. He was just always trying to be funny.

Come on dear, I didn't mean anything by patting her tit, honest! I was just trying to be funny... Ugh.

I told him that I didn't like it and it took a while for him to finally get it.

It took a while for him to stop doing it in front of you.

Well, the other night we went bowling with another couple who we've known for a few years. My husband was holding the door open and my friends husband walked in first, me second and my friend behind me and my husband behind her.

Can you say premeditated?

I then heard her yell and then she said "Well, I guess I got my Christmas goose before Christmas". I knew immediately what he did. So, I asked her why she yelled and she said "Your husband, (the dirty bastard), pinched my butt".

What I want to know is how her husband reacted to this fascinating bit of news.

I was livid. I would have never know that he did that if she hadn't yelled.

That was the whole idea, moron. I'm surprised she had the cahones to tell you the truth.

I was going to talk to him about it the next day because I didn't want to spoil out time out with them.

He was counting on that. Actually, strike that...he was hoping your denial would make you forget by then.

At first he tried to deny it but, then he said that he didn't know why he did it.

Didn't you know? ROTFL The devil made him do it!

I am so sick of his childish behavior. What do you think about this?

About what? That your husband is a pervert who keeps groping women in hopes that one will grope him back? Nothing to worry about, happens all the time...

Am I overreacting?

Yeah, totally, now take a bottle some Valium and go back to sleep.

Yelling Pecker

My situation is that my fiance is a ranter. If he is angry over one little thing, he yells and screams and then that one little thing turns into bigger things and other things, and he screams and yells and screams and yells.

And he's your fiance because? (Check all that's applicable.)

a) He has a big dick...and knows how to use it.
b) He's a multi-millionaire...I can buy a lot of earplugs for that kind of money.
c) I'm a masochist...I love taking it up the ass, mentally or otherwise.
d) I'm a spineless woman with low self-esteem...I believe he's the best I can do.

During the rants, he ALWAYS says that he loves me and asks "why are you doing this to me?" Sometimes I think that I am really doing something to him. But most of the time I think that he's just over-exaggerating things.

It's called mindfucking. Give it another few years and then you won't have to wonder if he's exaggerating anymore. You'll know for sure that it's your fault.

His favourite time to rant is when we are in the car, commuting to work, at 7:00 in the morning. We are stuck together in the car for 45 minutes, and he'll start, and it seems that each time I ask him to stop, he goes harder.

Of course. He knows you don't have the balls to stop the car and kick his sorry butt to the curb.

Also, I have talked to my doctor about the ranting and raving, and how I feel awful all the time, and she's put me on anti-depressants.

Gee, great doc, where did she get her degree? Off some Internet spammer? Are anti-depressants the answer to everything these days? What the fuck happened to common-sense?

I've only been taking them for about a week, but they are supposed to help me sleep, which means that our sex life hasn't been the greatest in the last week (we usually do it three or four times a week, which is how we both like it). I told him right when I started the meds that I would be tired.

And you expected what exactly? Consideration?!

Anyway, he ranted about that, all the while I'm trying to tell him there's nothing wrong with our sex life, it's just that I'm tired from the meds, and I am not into it in the middle of the night (for the millionth time). I try not to spend too much time with him because we can have a great three or four hours together, but anything more than that, he rants.

I'd love to know what kind of a marriage you have in mind, if 3 hours a day is all you can stand of him.

He doesn't hit, or call names....and he treats me like gold when he isn't ranting. He is very romantic, and thinks the world of me.....but he is very jealous.

Ugh. Hello? [bitchslap] Hello? Anybody in there?

Leaving him right now is not an option, because our life is not intolerable.

Your definition of intorelable is truly fascinating...to say the least.

The only thing that is intolerable is this ranting....

Yeah. That and the shit you call brains.

How To Change A Man

My husband and I married in November. We are pregnant with our first child due in July.

You are pregnant honey, he just knocked you up.

We have had problems throughout our relationship with his inability to grow up.

Which you apparently decided to ignore, hoping for what? That he would...(gasp) change?!

We are both 33 and met 2 years ago. After 3 weeks he moved in. During it all, I have been the one to pick up the pieces and "fix" his life for him.

Bored women who go out looking for love often come home with projects.

He is finacially a mess, his family is the worst support system you can find and I am basically so tired of dealing with him that the love I thought I had for him is gone. Or at least burried so deeply I can not find it.

Acting like a mommy to some looser rarely generates feelings of lust.

When he was 24, he got drunk and drove, killing a woman. He received 16 years in prison and served 8. He got out about 6 months before I met him and though I was very sceptical, he swore that he learned his lesson and would not mess up his life again.

Unfortunately you didn't learn yours: staying the fuck away from addicts, violent creeps, married men and jailbirds.

Well - here we are 2 years later and just last weekend he went on a 36 hour drinking binge and passed out smelling like a piece of garbage in the middle of the living room floor.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

Now, I am a financial analyst making about 80 thou a year. I own the house, all of the furniture, I pay for all maintenance, etc. I paid for the wedding and honeymoon and he pays me 800 a month. We are in therapy but nothing that she tells him to do to try to regain my trust works for long. He does it for a few days and then when the pressure is off, he reverts right back to where he was before.

Because people don't change unless they want to.

In fact, we are in therapy because 3 weeks before the wedding, he tracked down an ex girfriend from pre- prison days and carried on conversations with her. I found out, kicked him out, we started therapy and went ahead and married. I'll be honest, I thought it was a bad idea. However, when I found out I was pregnant 4 days before the wedding, I thought that this news would be what would get him in gear.

Naw. You're just another fool who thought Aisle-Altar-Hymn means I'll Alter Him.

He grew up with an father that was not the best and always swore he would shape up and be the ideal father and husband.

STOP saying "he swore this and he swore that". Do you have any idea how inane it makes you sound?

Now, we have been married a month and I am ready for a divorce. I can totally be on my own and give my child a stable, calm life without worrying about his drama.

But? (Everytime they say something sane there is always a "but" attached to it.)

I told him last night and he is very hurt and angry and kept saying "only a month".

Damn right he is angry. He can hardly lay claim to 50% of your posessions and your pension if he's only been married to you for a month.

I need guidance. Can anyone help me?

Call your local laywer. He'll be more than happy to get your head out of your ass.

His Mother Likes Me

It has been three months since my ex broke up with me (we were together for two years). My ex is a mama's boy who is also a teenager at heart and refuses to grow up. He still hangs out with teenaged friends and he is 32 years old. He still collects toys, stuffed animals, and acts like a teenager. He also drinks too much and smokes too much.

And it took you only 2 years to figure that out? How remarkable.

Our breakup was kinda nasty because I wanted him back for quite a while and he found a new gf.

The reason you wanted an overgrown baby back was?...

The first time we broke up, his mom helped to get us back together.

His mom?! Hellooo, stupid?! She's looking for a replacement! The clue phone is ringing, and it's ringing for YOU!

This time, I tried everything but he didnt want to get back to me. Instead he found a new gf that is 18 years old.

Awww, right up his alley...

I am now on the verge of a life changing move. After the ex broke up with me, I spent a long time trying to get back together with him. He was adamant about not getting back together with me. Finally I gave up and decided to move on with my life. I decided to move out to San Diego and found a new job out there.

Great, just make sure you don't fall for another manchild while you're at it.

Today, as I was driving, I got a weird phone call from the ex's mother. Asks me how I am doing. She also tells me that she wants to keep in touch with me even though I am moving away. She tells me that she thinks her son, my ex, still has feelings for me and that I should give it some time. To keep some limited contact with him, and that he will come back to me. She also wanted my parents' phone number (ugh) so she could get in touch with me if need be. She told me that she thinks my ex still has feelings for me because he is sad I am leaving. She tells me that she wishes that I had ended up being her daughter in law, because she thinks I am good for him.

ROTFLMAO. I can hear her thinking all the way to here:

Oh no! That silly bitch is going to run off to San Diego and it will be YEARS before I can find another tard like her, desperate enough to take that log of wood from my hands.

I told her that if he cared about me, then why did he find a new gf. She told me that he always likes to have a girl on his arms, but she is nothing, and if I clean up my life

YOU should clean up YOUR life? For a good for nothing

(by getting rid of my gay best friend),

Homophobic,

there is a big chance he will come back to me, because one of his biggest hangups with me was that I was too close with my gay best friend (who is also my first ex).

Insecure,

She told me that, like all guys, her son likes to be the center of attention and wanted to be the center of my life.

Aging Fratboy?!

She told me that she knows it will take time for me to get my life in order but that if I keep in contact with her, and limited contact with him, there is a BIG possibility that he may come back to me.

To which you replied: STFU! And if you ever call me or my parents again I'm going to file stalking charges.

Right?

I am not sure what to do now.

Huh?

I am on the precipice of moving out to San Diego and am excited and happy about the move, but her call has unnerved me a lot since it brought up a lot of memories, feelings, and hopes that i had been trying to forget for a long time.

I give up.

Drunk N Fuck

I met a guy thru friends back in October. He told one of my guy friends that he likes me and to "go for it."

Huh? YOU should "go for it"?!

A few weeks later, I got up the courage to tell him I liked him. He said he wanted to start out as friends first and get to know each other.

That's why people date. They like what they see and start going out in order to get to know each other better.

Which we did. We have mutual friends and we all hang out t/g every weekend.

Hang out and see if you like each other enough to date? That doesn't make any sense.

Just recently, I was hanging out with him and he was very flirty with me. He has his arm on the back of the sofa and it end up around my shoulders. He gave me his number outta the blue.

I barely know this guy, he wont even ask me out, but he's hugging me, sort of... Oh wow! He must like me, he must really really like me!... Barf

We had been drinking. Later that nite, he started coming on to me really strong. We end up having sex.

She likes me, she really really likes me. Doesn't seem too particular about dating or being exclusive, either. I bet if I wait until she's drunk I could get a free ride...

He said it wasn't because he was drunk.

Of course not. He was horny.

I'm thinking that it was a combination of his feelings for me and drinking.

Oh I know why he fell all over me as soon as he had a couple of beers. He must be in love with me but too shy to tell me.

Grrrrrrrr. Yeah right.

My friends told me to NOT ask him about it and that if I bring it up to him, he'll think somethings wrong.

Oh definitely! You have to pretend it never happened or you'll give him the impression that you want something serious, and he'll go and look for no-strings sex somewhere else!

Bottom line, its not like we met and jumped in the sack.

But it's not like you were dating exclusively either.

I wanna know if I'm handling this the right way and if I should follow the advice my friends gave me.

Depends what you want. So what do you want?

I want to eventually date this guy.

Then you've got this so ass backwards it's pathetic. First you date, then you agree to be exclusive and then you sleep with him. Anything else is a One Night Stand, Friends With Benefits, etc. It rarely if ever leads to dating and a relationship.

Expiration Date

I am 28 years old and have been dating my boyfriend (who is 25) for 4 1/2 years now.

Why? Too immature to snag someone your age?

We have broken up a couple times and dated other people, and we have always come back to each other...so I feel confindent that he is the person I want to be with and he wants to be with me.

I wouldn't be too sure about that. All it really tells you is that this isn't working out but nobody has the balls to move on.

The problem is that I am thinking marriage within the next year or two and he is not.

Why should he? 25 years old is still a fucking KID in man years.

We have discussed it once, but I don't want to keep bringing it up, because I really do not want him to feel pressured. But I also don't want to give him an ultimatum or deadline, because that will just scare him off.

Manipulation is not easy is it?

I just don't know what to do.

Tell him what you need and if he can't provide you move on to one who will...that usually works quite well.

I don't want him to think I am just going to wait around forever for him to propose.

What would give him that idea? I mean, you've only been waiting for him to pop the question for what, 5 years?

I want to married by time I turn 30 and I am afraid that it is not going to happen!

Oh, puhleze, get over yourself already. You sound like a heroine out of a badly written Chick Lit novel.