What To Do With K-Fed Clone

He's 29. Him and I have a son together. When i broke it off with him for cheating on me, he moved in with the "ow." (Cow? Sow?)

It lasted about 8 months, he got her pregnant with twins, left her when she was about 4 months along and is now seeing a 20yr old.

Don´t put away the baby clothes yet.

He has also cheated on the 20yr old with me. Im not proud of that as i allowed him to "have his cake and eat it too"...

....and because it showed him that you are weak and desperate.

I have now however, taken a stand. Put my foot down and set specific boundaries between us, no more sleeping together, im working on "no contact" at all.

If that´s just a ploy to get him back, you can stop. It won´t work.

I still had deep down inside hoped he would "wake up" realize how good things were with me, we were building a family or so I thought.

Oh. I didn´t realize you were married...

He claims he still loves me but is too confused and his life is just turned upside down now. He even lost his job.

But...but...but...being a serial impregnator is a full-time job!

All this new girl does is giggle. It makes me sick. Maybe she does it on purpose but when him and I talk and she's there I can always hear her in the background giggling about something. She seems so childish.

Do I detect a pattern in his choice of women?

Im find myself wondering what does he see in her?

A breeding mare?

She calls him 4-5 times especially when he's visiting the baby at my house, (i have since cut that out too).

The visitations or the calls?

When we were together I found an email he sent to the "ow" (cow? sow?) saying he cant get away to see her b/c I watch him like a hawk! It's funny b/c this 20yr old seems to keep even worse tabs on him then I did.

And just as unsuccessfully.

One day he was dropping the baby off from his visit and he had to go back to the store to get pampers (which, let me guess, you paid for) and he came up to drop them off, she was calling him complaining saying what's taking so long. So maybe the grass isnt always greener on the other side.

Still hoping he´s going to "wake up and come back to you". Why should he? There are simply too many women out there just as eager to do his bidding.

We are still attracted to each other and seem to have this closeness/bond that I just cant handle anymore b/c I dont want [to be] his leftovers.

Unfortunately, you don´t want it bad enough.

So im wondering will it always be about him?

That´s for you to decide.

Since I'm the mother of his son he feels it's his right to be able to sleep with me always?

Hon, unless he´s raping you, it´s you who uncrosses your legs for him.

Why wont he change his ways?

Because he doesn´t want to?

I saw such a bright future for us.

And it was soooo bright that I forgot the birth-control.

I coldnt be with him the way he is now.

Why are you still here then?

He keeps saying who knows what will happen, it just isnt right for us right now etc.

That´s "back burner" talk.

You want him back? Really want him back?

Call him up. Say you want him back. Say you´re willing to do anything for him. He doesn´t even have to go to work, you´ll do that. Tell him he can fuck around with anybody he wants, any time he wants, as long as he comes home to you in the morning.

Boyfriend Brags With Money

This isn't anything major, just a little gripe I'm having and wanted to air it to you and get some perspective. My bf and I have been together a year, and living together for the last six months. He's 9 years older than I and has been married once before. Since we met and fell in love, my life has felt totally blessed. [snip a long paragraph of nauseating tripe]
In other words, our relationship is absolutely perfect!

But?

Just one little gripe:

Nothing personal, but I get a little tense when I read this. Usually it turns out to be a gripe the size of Texas.

Sometimes it'll come out through conversation things from his past. Like, "oh so-and-so and i went on this fab vacation to Hawaii together", or we'll be passing by an upscale boutique in NYC and he'll casually mention he bought an ex a pocketbook from that store. Or one time I was looking at a magazine and an ad for expensive watches was on the page, and he said how he once bought an ex a watch like that. I love to cook and bake, and one time he mentioned on how he and an ex used to go to fabulous plays and restaurants in NYC.

Ok. So either he´s insecure, or he never learned that it´s extremely bad manners to talk about all the great stuff you´ve done for your exes.

Just tell him:

"Thanks for sharing, but that´s too much information for this current girlfriend."

or my personal favorite:

"Tell that sh1t to someone who gives a f@ck, a$$hole!"

Now I DO NOT want to sound like a materialistic little golddigger. (Huh?) I have a fantastic job and a great career and can take care of myself, and I have everything I could possibly need and want (except good weather, it's cold and cloudy) and I DO NOT need a man to buy me things.

So what´s the problem?

But I feel a little left out because he has bought his exes these fabulous presents and taken them on exotic vacations and dined in amazing restaurants, and well, he hasn't done that with me.

Like most women you´ve quickly deduced:

Guy spending money on a woman = TRUE LOVE =>

=>Why isn´t he doing that for me?

It's not that I feel I'm not good enough, but I feel a little short-changed.

Come on. Admit it.

All this talk (which could be just that, talk) is making you feel like you´re not good enough.

There's no real way I can explain my feelings, but I do feel left out. I've had the wonderful privilege of having traveled and eaten at fine restaurants as well, but never with a boyfriend.

And the funny part about it is, you probably wouldn´t missed it either, if he hadn´t opened his big mouth.

So at the risk of sounding petty, how can I explain my feelings?

You don´t. For whatever reasons, you never prioritized having a guy who wines and dines you. That´s quite fine. Now you have a bee in your bonnet about it. That´s not his problem.

I tried to let him know how I was feeling, but he got annoyed and said I was making him feel bad. He also said I should be focusing on the more important things (which I totally agree with) and not the petty ones.

Well, tell him.

"I would have never gotten these ideas if you wouldn´t talk all the time, about all the money you´ve spent on previous pu$$y."

Then if he´s really that great, he´ll get the message and keep his mouth shut in the future. As for you, get over it.

Drunken Hook-Up Does Not Relationship Make

For about 5 months now I've been flirting on and off with a friend. We have had long "deep" conversations and we really seem to enjoy each others company. But nothing ever really happened.

He likes you, but doesn´t LIKE like you.

One time a couple of months ago we were enjoying an evening together and had some wine. Apparently, some of our other friends thought we needed to stop for the night as we were getting a little too close and took us home.

WTF?

If you´re both adult and single, you need to ditch these overpatronizing "friends". A drunken hook-up might not be the cleverest thing to do, but that should be up to you to decide.

We talked on the phone that night though for a couple of hours, had a good conversation and I confessed that I was attracted to him.

If you were after a relationship, skipping the "confessions" and inviting him to a proper date would have been a better idea.

After that night things continued as they were before, he didn't act on the information at all, other than some more flirting.

Weeks went on like this then the big night happened. Once again we were enjoying some wine, but this time we ended up alone somehow. Without normal inhibitions in place, we started fooling around and ended up sleeping together.

You woudn´t believe how common this situation is:

* Girl is hot about boy and is hoping for something serious.
* Boy is hot about the girl but doesn´t want a relationship.
* Things heat up and girl confesses to boy that she´s hot about him.
* Boy doesn´t respond with "Oh, me too, lets date and see what happens", but continues pu$$y-teasing.
* Girl goes along with it, even though she has no idea what´s going on, because she´s doesn´t want to scare him off.
* Boy thinks "Hmmm, she doesn´t seem averse to some no-strings nooky either."
* They end-up hooking up for one drunken night, which may or may not result to a friends with benefits situation.

I don't remember everything that happened that night and either does he.

Do you guys drink this much often?

We've talked about it a couple of times, but never actually discussed the specifics of the night. I really want to know what he thinks about it, but I'm so hesitant to ask. I mean if he wanted it to happen again wouldn't he bring it up? Or is he too concerned about how uneasy I may feel about it?

You´re getting it all wrong. According to him, there is nothing to talk about. He didn´t want a relationship before, and still doesn´t want a relationship now. But I´m sure, if you told him "Hey, want to come over for a movie?" he would. Just skip the booze this time.

To make matters even more complicated, he is quite a bit older than me (25, 45)

Ugh. No, not again!

so I don't know if that plays into it at all.

Yes, it does. But not the way you think.

Husband Is A Liar

My husband is a liar and I don't get it...

No, obviously not.

One recent situation was our taxes. Last year Husband complained all the time that he couldn't spend time with Daughter or help around the house because he was working late....well taxes came in, I added up the figures and not only did he NOT work late for the whole year but there were times he took days off w/o pay.

You might want to check credit card and phone bills as well...

Next was yesterday. I had radiation treatment and needed him to watch after Daughter. He calls at 5:30pm to say he'd just left work. After the tax situation I wasn't buying it so I called his work and they said he had left an hour prior to when he told me he had actually left.

"Honey I just left work" = I just left the slut I´ve been boinking.

He doesn't awnser my questions, says I'm nagging and why do I have to know every detail. (umm, last I checked I was only asking what took him so long to get home)

A man with clear conscience wouldn´t talk like that.

Come to find out he spends lunch twice a week with a buddy (girl?) friend of his and goes out for drinks after work...

...with a hot, large-busted blond.

Funny part to that was, he said he was taking those days to spend extra time with Daughter...

I´m terrified to know how old your daughter is, and how she spends all that time alone while her father is out carousing with other women.

He says to me the other day that we got along better when we didn't try to get along....What the heck does that mean?

We only get along, when you don´t ask any uncomfortable questions, or place any demands on me.

And who on earth doesn't try to get along with the people around them?

Someone who´s a selfish a$$hole?

How To Fuck Up Your Girlfriend

I´ve written previously about my live-in boyfriend who emotionally abuses me.

And now you´re writing to tell me that you´ve dumped him and moved on. Well good for you!

I've tried to leave him,

Whatever your reasons are, they better be good.

but he always twists everything around and turns it into my fault.

And you believe him?

For example, last night we were watching TV. Well, he made a comment about how I need to start doing sit-ups again for my abs, b/c apparently they aren't good enough for him (which, by the way, he comments on frequently.) He constantly shows me pictures of what I should look like (I am 5'1" and 105 pounds.)

How about him? Are his abs, butt and the length of his prick good enough for you?

Anyway, after he said that last night, my response was "Why do you always make comments about how imperfect you think my body is". I asked this question calmly, without an attitude and without any raised tone to my voice.

He´s got you well-trained, I see.

Then he starts to raise his voice and says "you always make stuff up. The lies have got to stop" and blah blah blah. He went on and on about how I make everything up. I can honestly tell you all that I would never make this stuff up.

Mindf@king Rule # 1:

If she has a valid complaint, tell her that she´s making it up.

I have been absolutely miserable. I just want a happy, loving, caring relationship.

What on earth makes you think you´ll have it with him?

I've told him that and his response is "I'm the only who tries to save this relationship, I'm the only one who is affectionate".

Mindfucking Rule #2:

If she still complains about the way you treat her, remind her how much you love her and how commited you are to the relationship. Don´t worry that this crap is completely unfounded. If she´s like most women, she´ll believe you.

He calls me a name or make some horrible comment or tells me to shut the f*** up and then 5 minutes later he insists that he never said any of it.

Mindfucking Rule #3:

Push her around, call her names to keep her already low ego down to size. God forbid, she might get ideas that she´s worth anything and leave you. When she complains use Mindfucking Rule #1.

He tells me that all I want him for is yardwork. Now, I do own my own home which he lives in and never contributes to the mortgage (!) and when I ask him about it or comment that he doesn't pay any rent, he says " well I take you out to dinner 2 times a week and I pay for dinner for YOUR daughter". (!!)

He rarely contributes to monthly expenses and I do not believe that going out to dinner twice a week and him paying for my daughter occassionally even compares to what I spend on mortgage payments and bills. (I´m shocked! A glimmer of intelligence. What a shame it´s just that... a glimmer...)

I ALWAYS offer to pay when we go out, but he pays and when we argue he throws it in my face. About the yard... he's been doing alot of work with it this past week (I believe he is trying to make up for last weeks horrible argument) well, he is now throwing that in my face, saying things like I should be more appreciative and think he's so great for doing common yard work.

Mindfucking Rule #4:

If you´re using your biatch for bed and board, make sure you do tiny chores here and there and pay for triffles. When she complains you can turn around and rub it in, until she´ll actually start feeling bad about complaining in the first place.

I don't act like that when I wash all of his laundry EVERY week or when I buy ALL of the food for the house or when I pay ALL of the mortgage or when I pay 95%of the other bills which should be paid jointly.

Maybe you should.

He has a good job- He is a pyschiatrist. I am a paralegal. He makes more money than me.

Damn, another psychiatrist! What´s up with that profession?

I think his profession is why he is so good at twisting everything around on me and making me feel guilty and making me change my mind about leaving him.

There´s that glimmer of intelligence again. So when are you going to make a bonfire out of it?

I told him last night that I don't deserve to be treated this way and that I am so sad because he is a great guy when he doesn't act like this and I wish he would talk to someone or somehow see what he is doing. His response was "YOU'RE THE QUEEN. NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. YOU'RE THE QUEEN".

Mindfucking Rule #5:

If everything else fails, tell her how demanding and ungrateful she is and how glad she ought to be that she has found a man to put up with her attitude.

The Other Woman At Work

I know that being with someone who's involved is asking for trouble but, the truth is that I recently left a ten year relationship. I just want to have fun right now and let my hair down, doing whatever I feel like...

And fuck with the consequences and the people you´re hurting in the process.

What happened with this guy is that he's been wooing (chasing) me for the last 4 Months. We work together so we see each other all the time.

Just another bawdy work affair.

It started with him always grabbing my waist everytime I walked by or marking my hand with a marker.

At least he didn´t piss on your foot.

Then he would ask me to accompany him for his cigarette breaks and from that it went to hugs. Presently, we watch movies together, we kiss and had sex a few times.

ie. you´re a couple of dawgs lickin´ a bone.

The problem is that one day he'll be cozy, tickly, kissy with me then other days he'll be cold. He always refers to his girlfriend as his "EX" but she's not..... I just let him be, I don't chase him or call him, I basically live my life and when he comes around he does....

I still can´t see the problem.

It does get confusing at times because he's always text messaging with cute messages.... At the end of every message he always adds xoxoxoxox sometimes in capitals.

And that must mean he must "love" you...how?

I do know from the beginning we both felt serious "chemistry".

So? Since when was pure lust and selfishness a prerequisite for a "happily ever after"?

I would really appricate some advise... Thank you.

Huh? Ok. I´ll guess. You talk like all you want is some fun and sex, but you don´t walk that talk. Or you wouldn´t be asking for advice.

You´re secretly hoping he´ll dump her and commit to you, the most typical and biggest mistake an adultress makes.

Well stop it. This is about hot, sweaty, no-string sex. It always ways. It never, ever leads to a proper relationship.

If you can´t deal with that, drop him, and hope it won´t have too much impact on your job.

He Doesn´t Get Turned On Anymore

I moved in with my boyfriend of a year. 3 months later, the sex has stopped completely.

Moving in together does this sometimes.

Last night we had a wonderful night together. We cooked dinner, snuggled up to a movie and started fooling around. But he quickly lost his erection once we started having sex! I got fed up and made him tell me why. He told me that he's not turned-on by me anymore.

So what are you writing for? I´m sure you guys broke up civily and now you´re looking for another appartment...

He used to tell me that we would be together forever--but now he says he's not sure because he doesn't think he should have to think about other women for the rest of his life to get aroused!

One could have hoped he´d at least have the balls to make a clean break. What a blockhead.

I'm completely heartbroken! Is this really over?

I can´t believe you´re asking that.

What can I do to save this great relationship, just lack of sex?

If I only had a dollar for everytime somebody wrote that they "have a great relationship but..."

Listen up, if the guy doesn´t get turned on by you anymore, then I don´t care what you think, it´s not a great relationship. Considering what he´s told you and his weeners reactions towards you, I´d say it´s over, you hear me? OVER.

We USED to have sex a lot--4 times a week. He swears up and down there is no one else, and I believe him. I know when he works, and he always comes home right after, I trust him.

You had relationship based on lust. They often die around the one year mark. It´s the time where all the "in-love" hormones start to taper off.

There doesn´t always have to be someone else.

I'm just terrified that I am losing this man and I don't know what to do to get that "spark" back!

Thre is nothing you can do, except start looking for another appartment.

The Case Of The Disappearing Bf

I had been seeing my bf for a year and half when he disappeared. It had been 8 months and he calls me out of the blue yesterday, expecting all to be fine and dandy!

Please, please tell me that you´re joking...

Before I go into that it starts like this... He had been separated from his wife a long time when we began seeing each other.

Separated, not divorced. Huge difference.

During those 18 months I admit I enjoyed my time with him and was happy. And I was good to him. I fed him, gave him money when he needed it, ran a lot of errands, just to mention few of the many things I did for him.

Honey, are you sure this was a boyfriend and not some stray you picked off the streets somewhere?

Back in November we were to meet for lunch at a local restaurant.I waited and he never showed up. In fact he did not call and cancel our date. I never heard from him again until yesterday.

Didn´t you try to contact him?

Well a week after that incident, I discovered through friends he had moved back in with his wife!

It ain´t over till it´s over.

I felt like a fool, like I was being used and heartbroken.

He didn´t use you. You used yourself, by overgiving with out any clear communication, expectations or boundaries.

I mean, at least he should have called and told me and said, "It's over. I'm going back to my wife." I think it hurt worse when he disappeared without notice. Never called once!

You didn´t actually expect a little common decency did you?

I had to get through the holidays dealing with a broken heart. By the time spring came it seemed I had recovered and started to move on.

No you didn´t.

I'd like to point out since all that time I never dated anyone else--I never felt ready and I did not want a "rebound relationship" with someone--would not be fair.

Everything´s fair if it´s spelled right out in the open beforehand.

When he called yesterday it took me by surprise! Obviusly it didn't work out with his wife--he's left her and moved in with his son. So he is separated from her yet again.

I don´t know what´s worst. The fact that he thought it was ok to call you after this incredible stunt of flakiness or that you took his call!

But...guess what? He never once mentioned he had moved back in with his wife. He said he had been hospitalized a while because of an illness. He said he was "going through" some things." I was confused and angry that he suddenly called me after all this time.

Of course you put him in his place after that. Something appropriate, like "Fuck off and die, you dick!" [Click]

Yet I spoke to him politely.

Ugh.

Well he called again this morning! Now he said he wants to come over to talk things over.
But still no mention of his wife.

Don´t act so shocked honey. You teach people how to treat you and you´ve taught this man that you´re a pushover that just needs a little sweet talking.

So I asked him what made him leave me and not tell me why. He said, "i was just was going through rough times." (yeah,right!) he must think i'm a fool...

I wonder where he got that idea....

He SHOULD know what he did, even if I had not seen him in close to a year.

He knows, trust me. Do you?

Another thing...it is unreasonable to think he could come back to me and he can resume a relationship with me like nothing has never happened!!

If you have to ask...yes.

I must say things are NOT like they were before though I still care for him.

Hello? Hello Mcfly?!

Honestly i can never trust him again after he did what he did. I felt so betrayed.

No. Just outraged and ready to be placated with some sorry excuse.

My questions: Should I confront him about the fact he had moved back in with his wife? Obviously he thinks I don't know about that.

So when are you planning to tell him?

I have learned never to get involved with a married man until he is divorced and I will not repeat that mistake again.

At least. Something.

He says he still loves me. He even asked if I was mad at him! I am, but I didn't tell me that.
What would you do if you were in this situation? What should I say to him? Tell him to take a hike?

How can you even think of asking that you sorry excuse of a female? Take him back in and make him something to eat. He must be starving, that poor dawg.

I am an adult and want to handle this situation like one.

Yes. I can tell all the way from here.

Insecure Sadist

Ive been in a happy relationship up until about a month ago. At first he was like an answered prayer.

Oh oh...

I thought wow how did i catch this great guy and for the most part he is great, but in the past month it seems like we are getting out of that honeymoon stage or that hes feeling really needy and insecure.

Nothing has changed. He always was needy and insecure and hiding it.

I tell him how I feel about him every day and that love him, I show him affection, we have great sex and have a good time together. However hes always questioning my feelings and sincereity. In the past month we have had 2 major fights both times I end up crying and he gets this reassured look on his face as if ive proved to him that I care and love him because im crying and when I stop crying hes in a great mood and saying what a great relationship we have.

He sounds like a monster reincarnation of Pavlov.

He also will say he wants to marry me and that he loves me but then an hour later or the next day he'll say "i wonder sometimes if certain aspects to our relationship are fake" or " ive been having alot of negative thoughts about our relationship and i dont know why"

And of course that must be somehow your fault...

then i say well maybe we should take a break so you can figure stuff out he says GOD NO ID GO NUTS IF I COULDENT SEE YOU FOR EVEN A FEW DAYS.

This is a restraining order just begging to happen.

So I ask you guys what the hell is his problem???

That he forgot to take his meds?

I´d love to hear what you think and what I should do because this is becoming a pattern i cant take!

Change phone-numbers. Move. Buy a large mastif dog. Get a life, so that you´ll stop being attracted to his type.

But One Can Wait Too Long

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 years, and have been living together for about 5. When we first got together, everything moved so fast.

Contrary to popular opinion, moving fast does not mean you´ve found Mr. Right.

We were big into the party scene, and are both emotional people, so at times our relationship has been turbulent.

Scenes of plates smashing, tears of jealousy and drunken make-ups flash through my mind...

I feel that I have gotten to a point in the relationship that I am no longer committed. I have been waiting very patiently for a ring to no avail.

Patience is not always a virtue.

He is a former drug addict, and is still very secretive with me.

If he´s still secretive with you, he might be clean, but he´s not in recovery.

There is no trust between us - I usually feel like I can't believe anything that he tells me. This is the root cause of most of our arguments lately. I sometimes think that if we could get past that we would be OK.

After 6 years do you really believe that you can get this man to change? You sound like you could use a few sessions of Co-Dependents Anonymous yourself.

My problem is that I don't have enough money to move out right away. I need to save enough for a security deposit. How should I go about telling him that I am ready to move on?

If you think he´d go along with you staying for a few more months until you can move out, you just tell him, as unemotionally as possible. Just be prepared for the very real possibility of him turning psycho on you and make sure you can crash in by somebody if you have to.

I also am leaving the company that I have been with for 5 years in a little over 2 weeks. Should I wait until I am settled in my new job before attempting to break up? Or is now a good a time as any???

Any time you have another place is a good time. Just don´t wait another 6 years for it.

I am so confused. I really hate men right now :-) Don't we all though??

No we don´t.

Desperate To Marry

My BF and I have been dating for a little over 6 months now and its been great. I have 2 children, ages 13 and 4 and my BF and we do things together regularly (movies, waterparks, zoos, trips out of town, etc...).

Playing family already?

I'm about to be 31 yrs old in another month, my BF just turned 27, I love him totally and before our relationship, I was single for about 2 yrs.

...and working yourself up to a frenzy, I imagine.

When we met, I really didn't think that our relationship would be so wonderful, but I'm so happy to say that I truly met a 'good' man who is patient and mature enough to accept my children and what goes with that kind of responsibility.

Translation: I can´t believe my lucky stars.

Well, don´t gloat yet. All it says about him at the moment is that he wants to make a good impression. It says nothing about his ability to parent these children.

I'm ready for marriage, I'm ready to commit and settle down and be a complete family, and he knows that.

So if he knows that and is still around it means he must want to marry you.

No. Not really.

Before we hit our 3 month period of dating, I told him that I wanted a committment and if he wasn't ready to do that, to just let me know and we'd go our separate ways.

So you basically said to a guy you barely knew: "Look, you´re nice enough, but I´m looking for a husband. Don´t waste my time if you´re not planning to pop the question."

Hon, that doesn´t sound like a woman who knows what she wants. It sounds desperate.

After a couple of days of our separation, he came over and did the whole "I love you" speech and reassured me that my children complete him.

Sweet, but I don´t hear a promise to marry, only that he was in love* with you and wasn´t ready to give you up yet.

*That´s all it is the first year of dating, you can´t really love a person you don´t know.

But, now its 3 months later, and (we're both in the military) he has to take orders elsewhere in November. I don't know if I should continue dating him, give him an ultimatum or what, I'm soooo impatient, BUT at the same time know what I'm ready for.

Ask him to marry you before he leaves. Who knows, you might get lucky and he´ll say yes.

If he says no, then please, no dramas and no ultimatums, just move on, since marriage is more important to you than the person you´re marrying.

I've never been married and am feeling the pressure of marriage. What should I do?

Try to chill, because an overwelming desire to marry just any man is always a great recipe for disaster.

He Cheated But Says He Loves Me

I'm stuck. I moved to the midwest from the east because I fell in love with this guy.

Not good.

Never, never move just because you feel in love with "this guy". Always ask your self, would I want to move and live there even if I wasn´t involved with this guy? What are the prospects for work there? Do I know this guy really, really well? Are we committed?

Or is your life, your work, your family and friends of so little importance, that you´re always ready to give them up for the first fool who´ll say he loves you.

This was a year ago. We started dating and things always felt a little uncomfortable. Sex was a little stifled and uneventful a lot and I would try to talk to him about it and he'd act like I was being silly. He kept saying everything was okay and he loved me.

One would think, that if you´d move for a guy, you´d at least move for a guy who´s good in bed...or at least has a lot of money.

Then I started noticing emails in his box when I walked by him from someone I knew to be his ex girlfriend. It drove me crazy and one night I KNEW he wasn't with his friends. I just KNEW he was with her. I kept wrestling with myself, doubting myself. Finally, one day I just looked in his email. Yup. He had been sleeping with her -apparantly having amazing sex judging by the emails - and even did a naked photo shoot with her.

And the reason you´re still with him is?

His automatic, unedited repsonse was that sex was hard with me and it was easy with her.

Well, send him back to her!

He also said he could be getting shallow in his old age. (I lost a great deal of weight so, even though I am a former model, I have some loose skin and slightly droopy, smaller breasts that seem to bother him.)

Old age has nothing to do with it. He´s shallow period.

He tried to lie his way out of it, then it came out that they had had an abortion at the end of their relationship and it had ended so tragically that it was never resolved.

Please tell him to spare you the tragic line. Barf.

He told me that he saw her as the end of something and me as the beginning of something.

Of what exactly? Because it doesn´t look like he´s ready to begin anything, except another relationship with her.

She knew we were dating and she even tried to help me regain his trust by sending a couple emails saying that he doesn't have those feelings for her and she was going to disappear from his life and I was supposed to "watch over him."

What are you, a friggin angel to watch over him?! She sounds like a real piece of work that one! "Ok, I´m finished with him for now, you can have his sorry ass again."

He is treating me a little differently now - being much kinder and more attentive (he had often been distant and insensistive the first time we tried). I also laid it all out - what I want and expect.

You can´t expect all you want...but he can´t give it to you.

He seems to understand and I can see he is trying very hard,

Newsflash: it shouldn´t be so hard!

but I felt like something was up again and snooped in his sent items and saw he had emailed her "take all the time you need, work through what you need to work through and when you are ready I look forward to seeing you again."

Yeah, yeah take your time, baby. Figure out if you´ll have me again, cause I really miss our hot fuck sessions!

I asked him about this and he said they were trying to see if they could be friends.

This is so wrong in so many levels, I don´t even want to get into it.

He says he is totally in love with me (and of course if he says it, it must be true...not!) and he has included me in his family - something he has done with no other girlfriend.

So? He´s still a lying cheating prick.

He also does sweet things like fix my computer and he even did my taxes. Of course, he misses the boat on other ways to show affection.

Hello?! You´re still not getting it. Of course he can´t, because he doesn´t love you, he loves her.

I think he is sincere in his feelings for me, (ha!) but he also seems to have trouble letting go of his lying and cheating ways. He even told me it was hard to change at his age - he's 40 and I'm 32 - but that it was possible.

Yeah.. the right woman, the right situation is going to cure me...and of course you instantly felt up to the task. No darling. No woman or situation can make him a decent man but himself!

I'm having trouble with my daily tasks and am getting really cluttered and unproductive because I obsess over this constantly. Why am I having a hard time letting go of this?

Because a small sane part deep inside you agonizes that you haven´t dumped him yet.

He Badmouths My Mom

I have been dating a man for a few months now. He is 48 and I am 28.

There we go again.

Everything was going well and we are now at the point where we are serious. I guess I better explain about my background first. I am a 28 year old virgin. My Mom was not some strict crazy parent but she raised me with very high morals and she also raised me to marry before sex. Also, we are VERY close to the point that we are like sisters. She was a little protective of me when growing up but nothing major and and she was not crazy.

Ok. So your upbringing was not exactly the norm, which I imagine must seriously cramp your style with today´s guys. At least you sound fine with it, but what´s with the chip on your shoulder?

Anyway, the guy I'm dating is a doctor. He is trained in many things including psychology.

Those are often the ones you really have to watch out for... They can make excellent mindfockers.

The other day he told me that my Mom and I are co-dependent and that we have an unhealthy relationship because I think everything my Mom says is right. This is not true. I do value my Mom's advice very much but I by no means think she is always right and I do have disagreements with my Mom. He keeps blaming my Mom and talking badly about her past parenting skills.

Ah. That´s where you got the chip about mom.

Even if that were true, and even if your mommy dearest was the quintessential dragon herself, there are other more superior ways of solving this sort of problem, and one would expect a dr. med. psy. would know them.

Constantly bad-mouthing a girls parents and picking on her character is bad manners of the palest sort, bordering on abusive.

I'm very hurt tonight because we were talking and I asked him very casually why he got divorce from his ex wife. I was very shocked when he said that it was none of my business and he is not going to talk about the mother of his kids to me.

Excuse me? He´s not going to talk about the mother of his kids to you? One would think you´re some two-bit whore that he picked up somewhere.

This guy went totally nuts on me. He said that because I am naive, I didn't know any better than to ask a man something like this.

Actually, because you are naive, you have no idea how how normal, even sensible it is to ask why he got divorced, and how creepy, way out of line his answer was!

He said every woman knows to never ask a man why he is divorced. Can someone tell me if this is true?

Uh...no!

This guy really got angry at me. Prior to this, he has never gotten angry like this before. I was shocked and crying.

You should have run home, digged out his ex-wife´s number and called to ask her instead. Obviously the reason can only be something that would reflect really, really bad on him.

He then said, "my daughter will never be as naive as you when she is 28".

Perhaps you should ask yourself why a man who views you with nothing but disrespect and contempt wants to be your boyfriend.

This hurt me so badly because I told him there was no need to get nasty and say something like this. He really cut me deep when he said that.

And this is just the beginning, trust me.

Should I break this off?

Yes please.

Thank you.

Nothing to it.

Am I Just Sloppy Seconds?

I met this man in 1999. At the time I was 23 and he was 40.

I have a theory about why certain older men get involved with young women...

Through the course of our relationship he has dated other women but whenever he would meet someone he was really interested in he would tell me that we needed to start seeing other people and who knows down the line.

...because they´re more likely to put up with their crap!

Wheneever his relationship with the other woman ended he would either contact me or I would contact him (I never stopped staying in touch with him) and we would resume our relationship.

And of course you always used condoms and checked for STD´s regularly, right?...Right?

2 years ago he met this woman and he told me that he couldn't see me anymore because he wanted this relationship with this woman to work. He never told me he was in love with me and we never talked about me moving in with him yet this woman moved in a few weeks after meeting him.

Um, because you´re just a fack-buddy and she was True Love TM?

So about 4 months ago he broke up with this woman and I starting seeing him again.

I have to wonder what you do, what life you lead while you wait for him to break up with his girlfriends.

And here's the problem. He seemed absolutely devastated about this breakup with this woman. I have been sleeping at his house several times a week but I keep no clothes or anything there except for an alarm clock so I can get up for work.

A call-girl couldn´t get more practical than that.

Meantime he has told me it is over with this woman but he has several pictures, big pictures of her all over his office.

Sigh.

I know he has been talking to her because his friend told me and once I heard him on the phone with her and he was really nice and stayed on the phone for over and hour and a half!!! He had told her that I was staying at the house sometimes but we were just hanging out and that if they were to start dating again or got back together I would be gone, out of the house. Needless to say I was very upset.

Why? You mean to tell me that you didn´t know you were just sex for him the whole time? Are you really that stupid? Just curious.

I am the one sleeping with him several times a week not her so doesn't that mean he wants to be with me instead of her?

No. Not necessarily.

He had told me that their relationship was the most intense in his life even more than his marriage. What does that mean?

It frightens me, that you are 29 years old and you still need to have it spelled out to you.

Also the night before he had gone to the movies with her I couldn't understand why he insisted on the house being all cleaned up and now I know, he brought her over there.

And of course you cleaned it up for him.

Do I have anything to worry about? Does he still have feelings for her and does it look like he wants to find a way for them to work things out and get back together or just to be friends? Is he using me just someone to keep him company because he doesn't want to be alone?

Uh...Duh!!!!!!!!!!

It just seems like instead of moving on from her he continues to hold on yet he says he wants to be friends. I don't think I believe that. Please help me.

You are beyond help honey.

Is He Serious About Me

I'm a 20 yr-old college student who recently moved and became single. I met an older guy (one of the best looking I have ever seen) who is 29 but the age difference doesn't seem to bother either of us.

...yet anyway.

I didn't have any intentions of things becoming serious because it seemed like things were going to be a simple fling.

Define fling.

We haven't had sex yet because I told him I am waiting until marriage or at least until I find the guy I am intending on marrying.

I would love to know how one can have a "simple fling" and save themselves for marriage at the same time.

His response was he would be waiting for whenever I was ready.

Sounds like he doesn´t expect it to take too long...

He hasn't pressured me into anything I don't want to do, but our relationship is very physical.

Oral sex is sex you know.

At the same time however he holds my hand and shows lots of affection to me in public.

Which you think means, what exactly?

He has also shared a lot of very personal and dramatic things about his past with me.

And of course that makes you "special"...

I've only known this guy a week

Wow, that´s like...forever!

and he hasn't really taken me out on any really "nice" dates.

You mean you haven´t had a date with him at all.

We have mostly just hung out at his place, gone to the beach, and tried going to a club, but that didn't work out.

Some one could see you...

So my question is how can I figure out if this guy is a typical jerk who only wants me in hopes of sex or if he possibly is interested in sticking around.

Fairly easy. Guys who are just after some nooky generally don´t make the effort to date you. Seem fairly content to "hang out". Even though they act like a boyfriend, they´re not really, because nothing´s (ie. exclusivity, relationship) been talked about or agreed upon.

I have trouble believing guys because of how many times I've been screwed in the past.

Shudder. I don´t think we need to know the exact number.

So when he says things like we should meet up after I'm back in Atlanta for school since his buddy lives there I don't know if he is serious or not.

"Hey, maybe we should hook up again once you´re back in Atlanta."

Yep. Sounds really serious to me.

Not Getting Over You

I dated this man for a few months, we both wanted it to be sexual in the beginning, and of course, the man started to be confusing, and the relationship turned emotional and chaotic, and the rollercoaster ride was unbearable for both, and very distressing.

Woa, woa. Wait a minute. Did you say "of course"? Does something like this happen often?

We ended on a bad note, I moved away, and didn't leave a forwarding number. He can not contact me, and I could call him, but it has been 6 mos of NC, and I see no need to call, but do have the urge every now and then.

Addicted to drama, eh?

Because it has been so long since we both spoke, I still think of him, and wonder how he's doing, but know deep down inside I can't go down that painful road again, because it's taking me a long time to get over him.

A tiny voice of reason in the darkness...

So my question for the mysterious men out there, what does silence mean after a breakup?

Say what again?!

Has he forgotten about me?

Are you sure this letter wasn´t meant for Mrs. Pavlova, Astrology and Predictions Dept.?

I know he has moved on, but do you think he thinks of me sometime?

I´m sure he does...once in a while...when he´s busy digging out a particularly crispy booger.

He can't contact me, but we do have a mutual friend, I work with, and she never mentions his name, nor do I, but I'm thinking since we have a mutual friend, if he wanted to try and contact me, he would, right?

Speaking of distorted thinking.

So does his silence mean, he never wants to speak to me again?

Let me consult my crystal ball....

He did hurt me, and alot of it was my fault, and he was to blame in alot of things too, but I would like to speak to him, and find peace with him,

You don´t need to see him/speak to him to get closure. Closure is something you give to yourself.

but I feel I have to wait until he wants to, because I tried, and it caused alot of stress on him and me.

Admit it. You just want to worm your way into his pants again.

I'm just curious, what does his silence mean, after all this time?

That he´s moving on with his life?

Knocked Up And Single

My bf is very hesitant to get married, and we are expecting our first child.

Oooopsy!

He has so called agreed to grant my wishes but I think that he is bs'ing.

What, prey, is "bs´ing"? Let me guess... you think he just said yeah to shut your trap, but he´s not going to go through with it...

I have mentioned to him once already that I do not want to be a single mother and refuse for that to happen.

Well then, if that´s the case, why is there a problem? Surely a woman, as determined not to become a single mother as you are, took every conceivable precaution, and thoroughly discussed things with her boyfriend about what should take place in the event of a pregnancy.

I haven't been able to tell him that if he really does not want to go through this, I won't go through any of this all together.

What? You haven´t blackmailed him yet?!

I'm not really certain as to why he does not want to marry me

At least a thousand different reasons I can think of. So?

but I need to know,

You already know what you need to know. You are pregnant, don´t want to be a single mother and he doesn´t want to marry you. Wondering why he doesn´t want to marry and thinking up of ways to make him marry you is just a waste of valuable time.

maybe someone can help me?

Get thee to a family planning clinic.

Ex Calls Out Of The Blue

About a month or so ago, my ex-boyfriend called after not having any contact with for 2 years.

Oh.

We had dated for 2 years, he was going through a divorce and broke things off because he wanted to "date" after being married so long.

That´s a common theme among divorced guys.

Anyway ... about a month ago, he called me on a Saturday night at 9:00 pm. To me and in the single world, I believe, that is "date night".

It´s also known as "desperation night". The night when calling up old girlfriends suddenly seems like a really good idea, because there is no date within a 20 mile radius and likely hasn´t been in quite a while.

He asked if I had a minute, then proceeded to tell me he had been thinking about me, etc. etc. We talked about general things (family, life, weather) for an hour. At the end of the call, he told me he thinks about me often and hopes that I think about him still too.

Ugh.

He called about 3 weeks after that on a Friday night at 8pm and we only talked for 1/2 hour and about the same general topics. I just found it odd.

It´s not odd at all to call at two nights when women are generally with friends/someone and test the waters.

What do you think? Is he interested again?

He sounds interested alright. The question should be, for what?

And if he is/was, why didn't he say anything like that?

Because he´s lonely and just looking for a fill-in?

We had a great relationship at one point in time, and when he broke things off, it took me a very long time to recover from it. Part of me feels like "Well, well, well - finally found out that the dating single world isn't what you thought it would be". haha - I know, mean.

Not mean at all. Just very realistic.

But a bigger part of me just feels like "Why are you calling me now?" It's not like we ended as friends. I was entirely too hurt to just be friends.

Another good reason to excercise caution with this man. He used you once as a crutch when he was going through a difficult divorce and basically threw you away once he was done.

If he really wants anything more than some reminiscing phone-calls he better be willing to go through some serious hoops. An invitation to come over for a movie (ie. booty call) won´t and shouldn´t be enough.

Btw, he is 52 and I am 49. So we are a bit older and it's not a game playing situation.

For your information, age does not exclude "playing games".

Part of me would not mind trying with him again,

The "I have nothing better going at the moment either" part. Work on that, please.

another part says ... better not.

Listen to it.

Why Doesn´t He Call Back

I 'reconnected' with a guy from my past. But before we went back to his place (we watched a movie and had sex), he gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him anytime I wanted.

So?

He said it while we were talking during the movie, and again when I was leaving.

And in a typical female fashion you thought it....meant something!

After 3 days I got up the nerve to call him - and left my number and a message on his voice mail. I haven't heard anything...that was 5 days ago.

He said you could call him anytime, he didn´t say anything about calling back.

Tonight I tried again. Still no answer, and I didn't leave a message. I looked his home number up in the phone book and tried that one. Answering machine - I didn't leave a message. I know it's a bit stalkerish, and I wish I would have left messages - but it took me so long to get up the nerve to call again, and I didn't know exactly what to say.

Never call without knowing what exactly you want to say.

I realize that it was just sex between us - I'm perfectly okay with that -

No you´re not.

but why would he keep reenforcing the idea to call him anytime if he's not going to answer or call me back?

True, hard to say why a booty call would say all these polite things.

Is it just to keep me interested for when he calls for sex?

Possibly.

Yes - that is exactly what I think it means. Will I go to him? Hard to say.

Think about it. And think if you´d really be happy just being his bone buddy. You sound like you still in love with him.

I just wish I could stop thinking about him. There are questions from the past that I want to ask him - like why we lost contact -

Why do people usually lose contact? Why do you lose contact with somebody?

but don't know how.

What purpose would that serve?

This guy makes me so nervous, and not in the bad way. My knees shake when I'm near him.

Oh brother.

How To Catch Mr. Right

But I just put on hold 12 self help relationship books at the library.

Oh, oh...

The first two books have come in. The first is called "What Men Want: Three Professional Single Men Reveal to Women What It Takes to Make a Man Yours." I've read the introduction and these things struck me:

"Knowing the reality - not the ideal - of what men want

Show up naked - bring beer?

can free women to make better decisions in their love relationships."

Sounds suspiciously like "lower your expectations" to me.

I guess I tend towards the ideal. The way things SHOULD be. I recently questioned that in myself, and whether I should give up ideal in order to get something good.

If all you´re after is a man, any man, putting their needs first and letting them get away with murder will get you a relationship, but it won´t be "good".

It will be more like: "is this as good as it gets?!"

THAT is a continuing struggle. I feel that that means giving up. Essentially it is. I don't know if I can do it.

I should hope not.

But it's very clear that I'm never going to get into a relationship the way I'm going, and that I either need to give that up, and find out what the reality of what men want or deciding to go it alone (so far I've chosen to go it alone, but damn, it can get lonely).

Focus on what you want and whether you can give it, and you´ll be just fine. You want trim, be trim, you want handsome, make sure you look good too, you want faithful, you have to know to be faithful yourself, etc.

If you truly have any unrealistic expectations, then they will automatically adjust themselves, as you can´t demand something you can´t give.

"many women also - without meaning to - ruin a good thing and end up alienating the men who do love them."

Sure, that happens, especially if said woman is a silly b1tch who doesn´t know what she wants. But it sounds like "reduce your expectations - don´t rock the boat" to me, which is the advice most books of this kind dish out.

I just know that I'm going to be at odds with most of this book. But if giving over to it really makes me able to find a good, happy relationship, is that sacrifice of myself justified?

If it´s the right relationship, you won´t even have to.

What in the end is more important?

Love yourself, strive to self-improve, see a relationship as an enrichment to an already full and happy life, rather than a necessity.

1) Has anyone ever had a positive experience with a self help book?

I can imagine one would...if it was a book on how to become a better person. But those are not very popular. People just want an easy, step-by-step recipe on how to snag the perfect mate, so that they finally can breath that big sigh of relief, kick back and let go. But it doesn´t work that way.

2) Is it more important to be right, or to get what you need?

You mean, To Be Yourself Or To Have A Boyfriend?

Those two are not mutually exclusive you know. Just stick to your guns. A relationship with the wrong guy is not better than being alone, and the many letters one reads on the subject attest to this very fact.

3) Do men ever think about what THEY can do to better their chances of getting a relationship

Oh they do, they do. But very few of them are reading and practicing sneaky ways on getting a girlfriend. (ie. Call every 4 days, stay on the phone only 15 min.) Now honest, would you really want to date such a guy?

It doesn't sit well with me if I'm the one doing all the giving up to get inline with where they are.

Then stop it. Send those books back. Forget about "snagging a man". Amazing things will happen. Promise.

I just don't hear often of men making trying to be what their women want.

Because women won´t let them. They are too busy reading Cosmo and silly "How-to-find-Mr.Right" books and molding them selves into that artificial woman they are told that men want.

Self help books seem directed at women (either to change themselves or try to change their partner).

Women spend an insane amount of time, energy and money on relationships....somewhere along they way, they pick up the belief that it´s their responsibility to make things work.

In the animal kingdom, it´s usually the male that has to impress a (usually greyish looking, fairly boring) female that he´s a great catch.

In humans, the guy doesn´t even get a chance to do so. The females are too desperate to "make it work".

4) Is this a big huge waste of time?

Yes.

5) If a person isn't going to consider you relationship material they way you are, isn't that person not worth changing for?

No person is worth that except yourself.

Or, in other words, is trying to make yourself relationship material for someone disloyal to yourself??

Yes. And depressing.

Haven´t you ever wondered why so many women are on anti-depressants?

Come - Go Away

I have been involved in a 7 year long- -off again*on again- -relationship.

This isn´t a relationship, this is a light switch.

Its been so painful, & confusing that its literally crippled me from moving on with my life!

Have you sought therapy for your need to stay in "painful & confusing" situations, and if not, why not?

I was always the one that was doing the 'heart-breaking', so to say, in the relationships! Now, I guess- -its my turn- -!

Ah. That´s why you stay.

This man is a real "Jeckle & Hyde"! One minute he is loving & caring, thoughtful, & attentive. Then like another person comes in and takes over his personality! He's rude, like almost purposely avoids me, insultive, and wants to get away from me! When last week this man 'loved me'! & made love to me (now we sleep like brother & sister!)

He sounds like a Lithium perscription that hasn´t been filled yet.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster,in the this relationship, like no other in my life!

Wow. How exciting this must be for you.

I can NOT figure the sense of this!

And I won´t leave until I do...

Everything is fine, and were getting along fine, then out of the blue, he just acts like he stops caring! To me, when you 'love' someone, you are not playing a game! I take my life serious!

Your seriousness just shines through...yeah.

Its the only life I have, ya know?

Then why do you waste it?

I don't have time for games, or false lead-ons, or trying to install hurt & pain! You only live once, and I want to be happy! To give love from my heart, and to be loved in return! That doesn't cost a thing!

So when will you start to walk the talk?

I don;t know if I'm coming or going in this relationship(?)! I think I know where I stand, only to see the opposite! He's walked away from this relationship so many times I can't count! Hurt me badly, I didn't think I could go on! Then after time, he'll return, only after a few months down the road, to do it again & again, & again!!!

How about you taking him in again and again? One has to wonder who´s the real crazy here.

I have more important things to do in my life, then being PLAYED with! I feel that that's what he doing to me! I'm O.K. one minute, then the next I'm expendable! Like, another person is trying to take my place or something. Or like he's trying to have another fill my shoes!

Of course he´s trying. But the other, more clever chicks see through him right away and send him packing....back to you.

Am I wrong? What does a man think when he acts like this??

That he can do whatever he wants with you?

I'm being used, ain't I??

Yes, but by whom?

Is it that he's afraid to commit?

This is so not about him. It´s about your willingness to be dragged through the mud like this.

Or he's weaning himself away from me, trying to find another- -thinks he does have another- -thats why I get the "I'm leaving you..." treatment??? Could REALLY use a man's input on this!!

Being a man has nothing to do with this.

Please give me some advice, or a solution to curing him of this 'game' he's been getting by with for too long!!

You want to cure him? You´re more sick than I thought.

Monster-In-Law

My life is a mess. My husband and I got married last September and we live in San Diego.

It would be interesting to know how long you knew each other before you married?

His dad unexpectedly died in October leaving his mom in Los Angeles. In November his mom begged to move in with us - even though she has a house in L.A.

Oh I see. She needed somebody new that she could drive nuts.

We reluctantly let her do so.... temporarily. In December my husband deployed with the military to Iraq for six months leaving me with his mom.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg. How could he? The very least he could have convinced her to go back home before he left. Unless he wanted to make sure you wouldn´t run around on him.

His mom is is a self imposed helpless person, who doesn't drive (even though she could; she has a valid license), she has no hobbies, she has no interests, she just watches TV. She doesn't have any limiting disease etc - she's overweight though and she's a hypochrondriac sp? She has some digestive problems, (she can´t even "stomach" herself) but nothing life threatening.

Tyrants tend to live long I noticed.

So.... she stayed with me - I've got a very demanding job and work a lot of hours. I would come home to a dark house with her sitting in the living room crying. It drove me nuts. I listened to her depressing stories etc and drove her up to L.A. every week to get her mail and mow her lawn - I had our lawn etc to do as well.

Oh Gawd!

She'd have a weekly list of things for me to do around her house - and she'd complain about how I did them. I took her grocery shopping etc. Eventually I got her to stay at her house every other week. Eventually she would be there for two weeks at a time.

Cudos to you for managing it.

Then I had a shoulder accident and severed my bicep. I had to have surgery and was in severe pain and recovering for a month. During that time I ordered her groceries on line or neighbors took her to the store. Whenever she wasn't here, I talked to her on the phone just about every night. If I didn't call, she would ask why. (Duh!) My parents came to help me with the surgery and they drove me up there to make sure she was ok.

Talking about a stone around one´s neck.

Then..... our Golden Retriever came down with cancer. He's still getting by, but it's been rough.
Finally.... my husband got back last month. His mom insisted at coming back down her for his homecoming. Personally, I would have preferred to have some "alone" time with my spouse but that didn't happen.

People like her haven´t even heard the word considerate, let along understand it.

She came down and I went back to work the following day. I gave her the first week with him to bond etc. (Huh?!) The following week, my husband and I planned a trip to Disney World to get reaquainted...

...His mom gave him a guilt trip. We flew out of L.A. to Orlando, so we saw her before we left. I went to the car, but I could hear her telling him that he promised to take care of her. He said "What did you want me to do mom, not go to Orlando with my wife?"

That might seem like a glimmer of hope, but alas you need to come to terms with the fact that your soldier-man is nothing but a mama´s boy.

She was on him for an hour before he finally came out to the car and left.

A man would have left right away.

This week she was back with us. I worked late and my husband spent time with her. We took her to two Fireworks shows. She wants to move in again and continues to give my huband a guilt trip. It's his mom and he feels a certain responsibility to help her, but letting her move in is different.

Note also, that he is an only son and there are no other relatives around.

So? Love and respect and a willingess of people to take care of you in your dotage is earned. She hasn´t earned it.

I said no and he doesn't like that I don't want her here.

Tell him to go back to his mama. Let her keep him warm at night.

Frankly, I think that she is very selfish and rude but I've never said one disrepectful thing to her.

Because you are much too kind.

My husband is up with her in L.A. today - I had to work - but he'll be home tomorrow. How do I handle this situation???

Easy. This is a simple case of Love Me, Love My Mom. They are a package deal. If you want to keep him you have to keep the mom.

I love my husband more than anything and I don't want to lose him, but I feel like she is driving a wedge between us.

You can confidently expect this wedge to grow much bigger in time.

Please help. I love my husband.

I´m so sorry, I really am.

Well, single girls, take heed. This painful experience could have been easily avoided if the man´s family would have been carefully scrutinized by the woman before marrying. There are always hints to be found about this sort of thing, if one pays attention...

Meet the family before marrying. Is it a big family? Are the parents nice? Do they like you and have their own life. If his mothers says blue and you say black, whoses opinion does he back up? Does he always defer to them? Do they support his life style?

I hope you get my drift.

Booty Call For Love

I guess I am wondering if I am letting myself be used.

It depends on your definition. Lets agree that being used means you give without getting anything back.

I have been seeing a guy for about 7 months. We have never gone out on an official "date". Just to a bar and to his aparmtent to play cards watch tv etc..

Would that innocent sounding "etc", per chance, mean "hot, wild sex"?

I fell for him early on and told him I felt. He has told me he does not want a serious relationship and has never wavered on this.

But he did want the sex, didn´t he?

This prompted me to agree to be "friends with beneftis" as we have great sex and I did not want to give this up. We really have a great time together etc..

I still can´t see how you are being used.

I thought I could keep my emotions at bay but I have not heard from him for 2 weeks (usually I see him 2-3 times a week) and it is driving me crazy and making me realize my feelings again.

So you can´t take the heat. What are you going to do about it?

I know it seems pretty clear looking at this that I am a fool.

Mildy so, yes.

The problem is when I am with him he makes comments that elude to the future or at least that make it sound like one day he wants to be with me in a more serious way.

He´s just dangling a carrot in front of you. If a man does decide to get serious, the last person he´d choose would be his bone-buddy.

Does it sound like I am just holding out hope for something that will never be?

Yes.

I should mention that when I do see him it is usually a 1000pm or 1100pm text message..(booty call).

We established that already.

This relationship is killing me...I cannot seem to get him out of my system!

Then I´ll guess you´ll just have to stick around until he´s through with you.

I keep giving him leeway because he has 3 children and an ex wife who left him and I just think he needs time.

Time for what? To win her back? You might want to ask her why she left him.

Obssesed with his Ex

This is my first serious relationship, and his second. He was previously with Becky for 2 years while in university. From what he's told me, they grew apart, she cheated on him, he found out, and they had a bad breakup. They did not stay friends after this, they don't have any mutual friends, and she moved to a city 6 hours away, so they didn't see each other anymore.

Sounds like your average relationship breakup.

My problem is, I don't feel like he's over her.

Whatever gave you that idea...

Throughout our relationship, he's talked about her all the time. He's told me cute stories about her, talked about great things she's done. He's even just referred to her as a bitch sometimes and seemed bitter over what she did to him, and then goes right back to reminiscing about her.

How would a woman stay over a year with a guy who always talks about his ex is beyond me. Isn´t it common knowledge that anybody who constantly talks about his ex to his new flame just has to be bad news. And if it isn´t, why not?!

She used to love cooking, so whenever I cook something for him, he outwardly compares it to something she made. Like when I made a stir fry, he didn't stop talking about the sauce she would make from scratch for her stir frys. I tried to interrupt and talk about what I put in my sauce, but he just kept going on about hers.

And who compares his Ex´s cooking to hers!

I have told him that hearing about her bothers me, and I don't like being so blatantly compared, and I've asked him to stop. He's apologized, said he'd stop. But after a little while of not mentioning her, he starts again, and we end up having the same fight repeatedly.

There are meds for this.

He's also called me Becky 3 times. Including in front of my friends, and in front of someone who was friends with his ex.

That´s beyond the pale.

Recently, he started a new job and we moved to a new city and a new apartment. He's been bringing his stuff from his parents house to the new place for the past 2 months. I kept wondering why he felt the need to bring her pictures, why they were packed with the rest of his stuff, why he had a whole collection of pictures of her together, like a small shrine.

Because he has a mental condition?

So would it be wrong for me to tell him to pack up his memories of her, including the pictures, and the gifts?

Your question should be, why do I even feel the need to ask such a question.

And am I just overreacing in general about this whole thing?

I give up. Yes, yes, of course, now shut up and put up with it.

I've never known another guy that seemed so hung up on his ex, I wasn't sure if what he's doing is normal?

If it were normal would that make it ok?

He Wants Space

I have been dating a wonderful man for the past two years. Just last week, he decided to tell me that he needed space and time to think about things.

Ahhh. The infamous "space". There is usually only one reason why men want space and that´s...

He said that he's had a feeling that things were "off" between us for the past 5 or 6 months, but he thought it might be a phase and didn't want to say anything to alarm me.

That sounds like an intelligent thing to do... (not).

More recently, he has started spending more time with another female friend than with me.

...another woman.

He says there is no attraction, (liar, liar pants on fire) but she is more fun to hang out with because I've been so emotional.

The "it´s your fault".

My crazy emotions are due to the fact that he has said he wants space and because he's been spending so much time with another woman.

That would make any woman "crazy" I think.

In any case, I am totally lost without him. I can't call him, email him, or visit him now because it makes him push me away even more. And he certainly hasn't made any moves to contact me.

Why should he? He´s having way too much with his new "friend", while you actually pine for the lowlife.

He said he doesn't want to make a decision that he will regret (i.e. breaking up), but he's not sure what he wants right now.

Translation: He wants to make sure she´s a bigger doormat than you before he ditches you completely.

I just don't understand how, after 2 years, someone can so quickly do a 180 and avoid spending time with someone they were so excited to see everyday. He says he doesn't know what has caused this feeling.

Duh! Another woman perhaps?!

I am so confused and hurt...and find it hard to even keep breathing. (Oh, please, please spare me!) I am trying to keep myself busy. I drag myself to work...just to sit and stare at the monitor. My roommate has kept me busy several nights this week...but I still usually end up crying each time because I miss my darling so much.

If you had any self-esteem you wouldn´t be missing that slapper. You really might want to work on that.

I just don't know what I could have done to make him not be as ecstatic to see me and spend time with me anymore.

You did nothing. Fresh pussy will do that to a man. Pussy which he could have said no to if he was any decent.

I want things to work out because I love him completely. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Barf.

He´s A Macho

We've been married for almost 5 years and I am miserable. I think that I knew in my heart that he wasn't 'the one' right before the wedding, but I went ahead and got married anyway.

You´d be surprised how many people do this.

Big mistake. We don't even spend much time together, actually he doesn't really like to have fun or socialize. I am the opposite.

How on earth did you ever meet?

I have tried to have fun with him, but it hasn't worked.

Why would you marry a guy you can´t have fun with?

From the outside, our lives seem pretty good, we have a beautiful home and a beautiful daughter and are doing well financially.

Ahhh, that´s why.

But, inside I am dying.

Money can´t buy you happiness.

I think that I somewhat resent him.

Instead of resenting yourself for marrying him. Much easier.

He has strange ideals. He is old-fashioned when it suits him. He really wanted a family and asked me constantly when we were going to have a child. I was just past 30 and a lot of my friends were having children, and I really wanted a child myself, but I knew how I felt inside. (ie. that he wasn´t the right man to make a child with. If only people would listen to themselves they wouldn´t need the likes of Dear Abby.) However, we had our daughter just about a year ago. She is beautiful and the only thing that lights up my life!

So you married a macho who wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant. Which might sound sweet to some women, but here´s the reality of it:

He barely pays attention to her and it is my 'job' to take care of all of her needs. When he comes home, he will say how much he misses her and after his dinner, he will then hold her. Sometimes, I even get a break and he will feed her, although he seems tired of it before she can finish. If she cries, he looks at me...to tell him what is wrong. Then he is off to bed. Meanwhile, I do work and while I did expect to handle most of her care, I feel like his life hasn't changed a bit. If I want/need to go out, it's like I have to ask him to 'babysit'.

Typical.

He never takes me anywhere and I can't remember the last time he took me to dinner or the movies. He always leaves his dishes in the sink and just expects me to handle that too.

You´re just the breeding mare and house-slave.

I just assume go out when he comes home. We are barely intimate, as I have no desire. I feel like I am at the point of no return. I'm not in love with him and don't think I could ever get it back. He has a suspicious nature. He annoys me constantly.

Cheer up. It will get worst in time.

It would be hard to leave, both financially (even though I have always supported myself and do have my own money) and with a child. I really don't want to be a single mother, and I would have to work more and she would be stuck in daycare.

Being a single mom is very tough, and I certainly understand why one would choose comfort vs. spine. Just be sure you know what you´ll be choosing by staying this time.

I know that I should have thought of these things before.

You should have, yes.

But I'm not sure that I can justify staying in this non-existent relationship much longer.

Then go ahead. Just don´t have any illusions about whatever you will decide.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I was with someone different.

If you don´t change in some very definite ways, you´ll just end up with the same kind of guy.

It´s Too Small

I feel I have met my soul mate in everyway. He's like my best friend and my lover.

Here comes the fly in the soup...

But juss last week we decided to take our relationship to a sexual level. So I went all out to make our night special but when it came down to make love I noticed that his penis was small.

Oh.

We still had sex, in fact 3 times that night.

Nice.

He trully makes the sayin its not the size of the boat but the motion in the ocean come to life.

Stupid saying.

I love him so much but the small penis thing is still on my mind.

If the guy is good and the sex was great...what for?

I want to tell him

What do you expect to accomplish?

but I know how guys are real sensitive about that.

I can´t imagine a woman feeling very thrilled either to have her boyfriend tell her: "It´s a little bit too wide, but I don´t mind.")

Also I think he's insecure about it b/c when we was layin together he would put the sheets between us so i couldn't feel it.

It ain´t easy being green.

I wanna say its ok.

What for? It´s not going to make him feel better. The question is: why do you need to hear it?

But I think he will get upset if i bring it up.

Crushed more like it.

What can I do?

Decide if it´s something you can live with and go about your life.

I love him too much to leave him about this lil situation.

There you go. Stop thinking about it. In time he´ll stop feeling so self-conscious.

She´s Pushing Him

Things with my boyfriend of 1 year 8 months have been going pretty good lately...

Are you sure?

We have seen a counsellor once and have another appointment in the next couple of weeks, to help us communicate better ( extremely different personality styles ).

It´s easier to find a shoe that fits, than make the wrong one fit.

I live on my own in an apartment, and he lives with his Mom. (Is that so?) He is a CA student ( Chartered Accountant ) and will be done (finally!) this upcoming October ( our two year anniversary! ).

Awwwww.

He has been talking about moving out on his own into an apartment ( he has lived on his own before, but has moved back home a few times ).

I wonder why.

I asked him when he thinks he would want to live with me, and he said he didn't know, and that he wasn't ready.

True. The only thing he sounds ready for is to finally grow up.

I told him I just want to know when he thinks this would happen- and he then started to get angry ( after awhile I wouldn't give up and kept asking ) (...because you got insecure) and told me to stop "pressuring and pushing" and to "leave it alone" and "let things be, let them happen".

That doesn´t sound very good. While many guys get uncomfortable when The Subject comes up, a normal mature guy should be able to give you a clear answer (ie. I can see us getting married in 5 years/I don´t see myself getting married at all.) Getting angry, being wishy/washy about it is uncool and it implies that he does know, but doesn´t want to tell you so that you won´t leave him.

But you are not being ok, either. You should know better than to keep asking him. If he doesn´t know and doesn´t want to give a time frame, it´s up to you to decide if you´re ok with this, or you want to move on to a guy who does know what he wants and when he wants it.

And he said he refuses to jump into anything like marriage and moving in with me. The thing is, is that he used to mention this stuff before, in the beginning.

That was to get you in bed.

Now our "future talks" always end up in fights because I get upset (insecure) and he gets angry. I told him I am not ready either, that I am still young ( turning 23 in a month, he's turning 28 in two months ) but I just want to put my mind at ease and know that there is a future with him.

You want to make sure that your investment will pay off.

I know I tend to overanalyze, but do I leave this alone? We hung up the phone last night on each other on bad terms, I asked him how am I supposed to know that he won't jerk me around, and that he really wants this stuff with me- he says he doesn't know ( he was mad ).

I want you to read this quote carefully and decide which kind of a woman you are:

"Women have been taught that in order to have a place in the world, an identity, they must marry and have children. If that's the life you truly want, great.

But for many women, marriage is only about needing the world to know that someone desires them enough to say, "Here's a contract to prove that I love you and will commit to you for the rest of my life."

For these women, no contract equals no validation - and, thus, no reason for existing." - Salma Hayek

Hubby´s tuned out

I'm just not sure what to do with my husband. We have had two incidents of online infidelity (on his part) and the first one we worked through. The second one I have had a hell of a time getting past.

As you should. Once is bad enough, two is a pattern.

We started seeing a counselor and the first session was outstanding - I LOVED it. She pinned exactly what my problem was at the time - I belittled myself for feeling I had any right to still be angry with him when (in my mind) it could have been worse...

(ie. you were acting like a typical co-dependent.)

I'm giving myself permission to just feel what I feel now

which is?

and things were going good.

It helped you continue delude yourself.

And then...

That very same week while I was in the clouds...falling back into love with him like crazy...

He´s a smooth operator ain´t he?

he decides to break his word to me BIG TIME. He's always had honesty issues and integrity issues.

Cheaters always do.

His dad was in the banking business and was very smooth with words and "handling people." He definitely learned it there.

What else does that tell you... about the future for example.

And in his last marriages

marriages?! Can you say RED FLAG?!

it was "okay" because they just chose to ignore his lack of integrity.

And the reason those marriages broke up was?... (You really might want to ask...his ex-wives!!)

But it drives me NUTS. It's all or none when it comes to integrity, as far as I'm concerned - that's how I was raised.

Then why are you still with him?

We're trying to get the house ready for his kids to come visit (from a previous marriage) and I gave him a simple list of chores to do while I went to work.

I call to talk to him and he CHOSE to go into work because they called and asked if he would come in early. I was ON FIRE. We have such a limited amount of time to get things set up around here and I deserve to have his assistance with everything seeing as how they are HIS CHILDREN.

You told him, he chose not to do anything, just leave it be. You´re not his mom and you´re not his children´s mom. But no... you just can´t stand the idea of people thinking anything less than nice thoughts about you.

For some reason he feels an obligation to these people that he does not feel to me.

He figures he can always find another woman, but jobs are hard to come by.

I sit him down and we had a MAJOR talk about integrity and honesty and being one's word and I THOUGHT he got it.

All he did was nod and wonder when you´re going to shut up already.

Then I asked him to take the rent check over to the office today. The ONLY thing I asked him to do and I call him after he's gone to work and I'm AT work and he says he didn't take the check over.

Does he listen at anything you say anymore?

I'm sick of the chronic disrespect of this relationship and him thinking it's okay as long as he has a good enough excuse. I keep explaining to him the message I get when he does that stuff, but it doesn't seem to sink in.

Nagging never does.

I'm just sure what to do. Is this relationship worth staying for AT ALL?

Only you can know that.

On one hand - he is an incredible man. He is compassionate and caring and chivalrous and everything I ever wanted in a man

Where? Where? Where? All I see is a man who´s stopped caring a long time ago.

but the integrity issues are driving me up the wall.

This isn´t just about integrity honey, it´s about lack of any respect towards you.

I'm just not sure what to do.

You will as soon as you realize that you cannot change anyone, nobody can do that except themselves.